Parenting After Loss

5 years...

2009-03-17T15:12:00.001-07:00

Connor,

Five years….it’s been five years since I’ve held you. So many people asked if I was doing something special this year for you but the truth is…I wanted desperately to pretend that this wasn’t a milestone. It’s not a milestone that I’m proud of. It’s not a milestone that I can look at you and see how you’ve grown. It’s just a number people use to highlight time has passed…but I don’t want to be reminded.
Your daddy wanted so badly to “fix” me this week but the reality is only you could do that. I’ve heard of people talking about phantom pain after losing a limb. I can say first hand…there’s nothing phantom about it. The feeling I have after I don’t see Sean and/or Keira for a few days pales in comparison. This is actual pain. This is gut-wrenching longing that can’t be relieved. I’ve tried…to put on that “I’m just sad” demeanor but really I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel empty.

Keira still only responds to who is your other brother with “Connor” but Sean has started asking about you. Nothing major just out of the blue questions…like “Where’s Connor?” I responded with “Heaven”, it seemed like the right response for a 4 year old. He asked why he couldn’t play with you and my heart broke a little more in that moment. On one hand I’m so happy that he’s asking and on the other hand I’m so afraid that he’s asking. I don’t want him to lose his innocence but this is also our reality…our family. Today on our way to the hospital to drop off the in memory preemie outfits, I told Sean that it was for you. He asked if we would be able to take you home…well, needless to say the tears flowed as I held him.
A few weeks ago, a co-worker lost his baby. As I read the email, I broke down in tears for their baby, Andrew but more for them. For the pain that five years has made tolerable but hasn’t made non-existent. I don’t cry anymore when I see a pregnant person but I do still feel some jealously when I see that complete family picture.

I know that tomorrow I will wake up and be relieved that today is in the past. I know that I will smile, laugh and even dare I say it…be happy. It’s just that when your anniversaries come around the ”what-ifs”, the “I’ll never know”, and the guilt basically overwhelm me. I still want to scream why me…why you! I want to know you as a baby, toddler, boy and as a man. I want to know how Sean and Keira are different/same. I want to know what kind of oldest son you would have been. I want to know what kind of brother you would have been. I want you.
I’m so sorry that I can’t read you a bedtime story. What I wouldn’t give just to hear you say “mommy”. If it’s not too much to ask…would you come to me just once in my dreams? Regardless, I will continue to acknowledge you as my son, no matter how uncomfortable it makes others. I will proudly say I have three children. I just can’t stop wishing all three were physically with me.

I love you then, now and forever.

Mommy

Holiday Cards

2009-01-07T12:03:00.001-08:00

I'm in great turmoil over the "holiday card"...you know, the ones where people sending you the postcard of their smiling children and wishing you a wonderful holiday season.

I HATED these for the first few years after Connor died. I swore right then that I would never send another holiday card (mine had been the traditional holiday card - no pictures up to that point). The first year...I got so many it was insane. But each year the number dwindles...that whole you didn't send me one so I don't have to send you one starts to happen.

Ok...so here's the confession. I only got a few this year and it made me sad. Upon replacing the pictures on my fridge with the new ones I did get, there were some that I've had up for a year and now won't have a replacement. I don't think I did anything to those people that just didn't send a card with their kids updated picture. Could I actually want that?

Then I find myself thinking, well I'll just send them next year and people will start back up. But here's the kicker...I can't. I can't put Sean and Keira's picture on a card and act as if that's all my children and isn't my life great. Crap, I still have a hard time signing friggin cards. Maybe there's a way for me to signify Connor on the card without being so bold about it...hmmm.

On another front, Sean asked me (completely out of no where) "where was Connor"? I was so taken aback I just spit out "In heaven". Done...end of conversation...he said ok and left. I don't know if I believe in heaven but it just seemed like the right thing to respond and maybe the fact that I said it so quickly a part of me does believe that. I'm now left wondering when and what the next question will be. I truly hope that my openness with him leads to the Connor's death in our family seems normal versus completely traumatizing the child.

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

As most people are excited and joyfully say Happy New Year...I'm not quite there. I am dreading this year, ok, I'm dreading 3/17 this year. It will be 5 years but I don't want to get into that right now.

Our Christmas was good. Sean checked to make sure Santa ate his cookies and Keira was just proving that there really is no baby left in her. We donated to a food bank in Connor's memory this year.

No one really mentioned Connor to me this year. No one offered to light a candle for him or donate for him (and if they did they didn't tell me). It makes me sad but I wasn't very bothered by it. I think I'm in a place where these holidays are really for my living children and Connor is just for me that day. But what it does do is freak me out for whether people will remember his anniversary.

It's funny...I've started feeling like I could relate to people again and wham...I'm smacked with how different we are. We were out watching a football game yesterday when somehow we got on the topic of mothers & mother-in-laws in the delivery room. We were asked "but weren't you freaked out that your baby would have one leg, etc"...hmmm...NOPE, I was freaked that my baby was going to DIE.

The funny part is I used to be upset that I was different. Now, I'm kinda proud of the things that I worry about versus what others do.

No more school!

2008-12-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

Done...go figure, a Masters degree taking too much time :)

Keira just had her second birthday. She's definitely not a baby anymore. My favorite moment, I sneezed and she said "Bless you mommy"...it was so cute.

Sean is so big now. He just amazes me with all of the information he retains. I asked him if he wanted to enroll in swimming class and he said "when I'm a daddy", so I asked why this fascination with being a daddy...his response, "because daddies are cool".

Mostly, I love that they play together. I love when they interact. I love when they hug each other.

So as I head from home to help my son make Christmas cookies for Santa, I pause because as excited as I am...I know I'm going home to a house with a missing child.

Changes...

2008-10-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of being MIA...I left consulting so I could get a better work/life balance and what do I do with the 20 hours I gained...shove them into school. So I have decided that school needs to wait until my kids hate me. I'll finish this sememster and let it sit for a few years and re-evaluate it again.

Keira is just talking up a storm now. She repeats pretty much everything even if she doesn't know what it means. She is definitely going to be my little sassy girl.

Sean read his first page at pre-school. Only to be followed that night with "Mommy, I'm going to be a daddy one day"...which just made me cry right then and there.

What does it say about me if I look at them and think ... this is truly my biggest contribution to the world, Sean and Keira living life, when Connor is not.

MIA...

2008-09-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yes...I've added getting my Masters in Computer Science to my plate. Now granted, I'm only taking one class a semester (which will equate to 5 years to achieve this goal) but I wanted to finally start going on it. Unfortunately, 15 hours of school and homework doesn't not allow for much else.

However, I had to post this morning...so it happened. The first "I don't love you mommy"...why...because he was being punished for his bad choices. I stayed firm...I did not give in. But I did cry myself to sleep, because my thought was "what if he died and that was the last thing he said to me". I know that sounds horrible...not worried about him dying but how I would feel. But this goes back to the best moment was to hear him tell me he loved me...to lose that, is just too much.

Luckily, I woke up this morning to my little boy climbing into my bed and telling me he loves me. Whew...I made it through but I hate that my mind goes there. I hate the fear. I hate knowing true reality of life.

The first question

2008-08-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

So it happened...last night during our bedtime routine I received the first follow-up question...

Me: What was the best part of your day?
Sean: Playing with Naomi (friend at pre-school)
Me: Really, what did you play?
Sean: In the sand
Me: Cool. Ok, let's read our last book for the night
Sean: Where is Connor?
Me: Well honey, he passed away. He's in heaven with grandpa.
Sean: Ok. (lays down for the last book)

Now the emotions that immediately overwhelmed were insane. The question was out of the blue. The one line response prompted no additional questions. The simple acceptance that it was a normal response. No need to discuss the thousand other things I've prepared in my head for this question.

The aftermath has left me wondering. When will he ask again? What will he want to know more about? Will I scare him? Will he not care? Will he understand?

And for the deep secret that I'm ashamed that I found myself hoping for...they he may say something that would make me feel like he had some special connection/understanding that I long for. Instead it was a simple "Ok".

Truly is a physical pain

2008-08-08T11:52:00.001-07:00

So I went to an IT conference this week in Toronto. The conference was actually really good and I had quite a few interesting professional conversations. I went solo so I was able to live in a world that appeared wonderful...happily married, with children, enjoying my job...I chose never to mention Connor this week.

Then I drove home from the airport...an hour drive...a very long hour drive at night. Before I even made it to the expressway, I was bawling. Why? Because I was truly feeling a physical ache/pain to see Sean/Keira and I knew that I was going home and would be able to get rid of it. There was no getting rid of the pain I feel for Connor. It's constant. Sure, sometimes it's overshadowed by other events in my life but in those moments it builds. It builds until I have that break...that period where I scream and cry until there's nothing left again. That period where I beg for a sign that he's still with me, that he loves me, that he knows I love him.

I love that I now have children to go home to but I do hate that they draw attention to this physical pain that most people dismiss as just mental. So as I cuddled with my children this morning when they woke up, I cuddled just a little extra hard hoping Connor knew that was for him too.

Isaac

2008-07-31T04:13:00.001-07:00

I'm a Aunt again! My sister gave birth to Isaac Matthew on July 23rd...weighing 8lbs and 12 oz.

Children update

2008-07-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Sean absolutely loves pre-school. I can tell already how many things he's learning and picking up from new teachers and friends. For the most part, they have been good. I think my little boy may even have his first crush. Her name is Naomi and she is adorable.

Keira is having those true mini-language explosions that Sean never really had. In what feels like just two weeks she tripled her words. She's even putting multiple words together such as feet shoes, when she wants me to put her shoes on.

I think the part that still gets me the most even 19 months later...how different and how similiar they are. I almost dread figuring each milestone out as one or the other because it's just this big sign that reminds me that I don't know what Connor would have done. Would he have been a shy little guy like Sean or a pistol like Keira? Would he have been an observer like Sean or a talker like Keira?

I know most people say that the first smile is one of their favorite firsts. Mine is really much later. My favorite moments from Sean was the first time he gave me a kiss (18 months in St. Louis vacation) and the first time he said I love you (2.5 years old in NY vacation). Keira also gave me her first kiss at 18 months in NY vacation)...I'm anxiously waiting to see when the I love you moment happens in the next year. I think these two moments are so important to me because it's what I long most from Connor...to hear/know/feel that he loved me as much as I love him.

Anyway...can't change it and don't want to think anymore about it today!

Here's new pics...

You're so blessed...

2008-07-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I'm just getting back from a week visiting the in-laws in New York. I think I have my new all-time favorite "I'm going to kill you" statement...

You're so blessed to have one of each!

Blessed...BLESSED...are you freaking kidding me! First, I have two sons and a daughter. Second, what part is blessed when I only have two of three children living. Third, how did you imply that my life is wonderful and perfect now that I living children...their birth did not erase the pain!

Did I say any of this...nope, I sat there with a stupid smile on my face and just nodded. Didn't want to correct the well-intention family member. So instead, it's been 4 days later and I'm still thinking about this.

Things from other blogs...

2008-06-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

I finally did some reading this evening and two things really jumped out at me...

1.) A mother was expressing the jealously upon hearing news of twins (she lost a twin).

"Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams. "

It just seems to sum up so many things!

2.) A short questionnaire that made me really think about Connor:

1 In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Planner
Today: Educated

2 How do you feel around pregnant women?

For women not a part of the deadbabyland or infertility: Jealous...of the innocence...of the happiness...of their success.

For the "club" women: Hope and fear that they will get that deep breath when they hear their baby cry.

3 How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

For the most part, I pretty much answer with 3. The only alternative when not a direct question like this is "I have two at home".

4 How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

I plan to tell my living children. I just hope Connor means something more than the answer response to "what's your brother's name".

5 What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

We are done!!!!

6 Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

I'm actually going to change this question into three parts:
What would I whisper to myself the day after...it's ok to ask to hold him again if you want to.
What would I whisper to myself the day I delivered him...don't be afraid, take as many pictures of him as you can
What would I whisper to myself the day I found out he was gone...this was not your fault and preventing people from being a part of his birth would be your biggest regret

Change is good...

2008-05-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

As I received information from old co-workers regarding some of the decisions my last project is now making (which I would have been going nuts over), I received a "good job" email from not only my new boss but one of the more difficult individuals on my new team. I can safely say...this was a great week! My decision to switch jobs was a good one. My sanity is returning. My hours are more normal. I enjoy my job again!

The introductions are still not easy. Pretty much everyone has changed the topic shortly after any reference to Connor. But I'm actually ok with that...because it is difficult and at least they are not ignoring me and walking away. The bad part is that I think I still find that until someone connects (talks) with me regarding Connor, then I don't really feel the need to invest in much more that standard hellos...which I know is completely the opposite direction of making someone comfortable enough to talk to me. I guess the being burned by so many people has definitely impacted me even more than I care to admit.

On the parenting front...

Sean's night time routine is not working. He actually starts to get more wind up as it progresses from bath to teeth brushing to story time. We have tied so many different things. Each one works for about a week and then we're back to square one. We have ZERO problems putting him down for a nap and anyone else has ZERO problems putting him to bed at night. So I totally know it's a game that he's playing. I just can't figure out how to stop it. Especially without waking his sister that is in the next room. I get so angry and then I end up feeling even worse because at least he's breathing so why should I care if he doesn't want to go to bed immediately. Then I get annoyed because I just want five minutes to myself and then I feel guilty because I don't want to be with him every second of the day. Aside from this issue, everything else is great. He's seriously a very well behaved adorable three year old!

Keira is doing well also. I am finding myself getting a little anxious about her thumb sucking. Neither of my kids (well living ones) took to a pacifier. Keira started on her thumb at about 6 months. For the most part it's only right as she is getting tired and going to sleep but she will do it when she is really upset too. I would have preferred the pacifier...I can take that away...I can't take her thumb away. I guess I should look up when thumb suckign becomes bad for their teeth. Why is that we keep having teeth problems!

Basic Introduction is not easy

2008-05-16T05:41:00.000-07:00

My name is Tricia
I'm married to Pete for 5 plus years
I have 3 - wait 2 - wait 3 - children

Do I become that person the first day? Do I alienate new people right from the start? Will people understand? Will I be ok if I don't acknowledge?

In the end, I said I had young children at home during the mass company introduction. Then during my team, acknowledged all three children. I don't know if it hurt my relationship building - probably some of them yes considering I work with mostly men. However, it just felt right.

I put up my family picture and Connor's footprints in my office. I am going to be proud and not hide my reality.

New Work Place...

2008-04-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

I made the leap...I will be giving notice at my current work place on Friday. I will be headed to a high tech (bleeding edge) high caliber company as a project manager. The interview process was extensive and I do have this feeling of honor that I was chosen. I will give two weeks and take one week for myself, so my start date will be 5/13!

My current co-workers are not going to be happy. I really don't want this to sound like I'm full of myself but I truly know that for the most part, I was a big part of the reason for the project's successes so far. People knew that they could depend on me to get the job done. My staff knew that I would protect them. This is the only bad part to this move, I feel like I will be letting them down. However, I know this is the right decision.

In fact, I'm having a very hard time already not wanting to tell numerous people what I truly think of the company and some of the "policies". For example, when I was interviewing they said "oh, you vest immediately"...what I didn't know is that really you have to be here for one year to qualify for match...then you have to be hear for another year to be eligible for match and then upon manager's discretion sometime in the summer they will match (smaller percentage) of your 401K. So I've been here for 2.5 years and received ZERO match so far...but I'll vest immediately if it were to be matched...LOL. I even pointed out that this is essentally a 3 year vest program and they just didn't get it. The worst part is if they do it to try to keep people, they really need to match at a much larger percent to make it worth it. Plus, money I've never seen on my statement is a ton easier to walk away from. This is one of MANY examples.

I always have a little fear when I start a new job...what if they figure out that I have no clue what I'm doing...what if they don't like me...what if I don't like them...what if they lied about average work week of 40-45 hours...what if I fail. The difference with these fears is that I have control over making them not turn into reality. I like fears that I can control.

Where's Sean?

2008-04-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

I leave for work or the gym each weekday about 5 in the morning. This leaves Pete to taking the kids to day care. This is the story I got when Pete arrived to work...

So after you left, I woke up about 6 a.m. I noticed Sean's door was open but he wasn't in our bed. I went into the kitchen...nope not getting a snack. I went downstairs...nope not watching tv. Now I'm freaking out and can't find him. I go back up to our bedroom and happen to hear the dog (note: our 80 lb black lab/boxer) move in his crate (which is always open but he uses as his security corner/blanket). So I look inside and there is Sean and the dog both sound asleep.

One part of me says...how cute. The bigger part of me says...is this a sign for therapy already.

Implied Judgement

2008-04-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

So I called my friend A last night (she's the one that is due with her second child in June that I posted earlier). She proceeded to tell me that she fell down a flight of stairs and that she has some issue with her pelvic area now but that she proceeded to handle a 4 hour surgery (she's an OB-GYN) and then flew someone for a presentation.

So what was my first thoughts...ok, they were not:
a.) Is she ok?
b.) Is the baby girl ok?

Instead my first thoughts were:
a.) Is she trying to make me feel bad for not knowing this?
b.) Why is she putting her baby at risk?
c.) Is she just be dramatic

My first statement was not:
a.) Are you ok?
b.) Is the pregnancy ok?

My first statement was:
a.) Why don't you call me when these things happen? To which her response was that she didn't need to bother me with these things.

Recap of history:
- Friends since 1995 (college)
- In each other's wedding
- She was one of only 6 people that held Connor
- Struggled with our friendship during Sean's pregnancy (she was pregnant with her first)
- She is Keira's godmother

So why do I have negative responses to her comments (or to the fact that she told her daughter she was pregnant before even the second trimester). Yes, partially it's the history. Yes, partially it's the dramatic way that she has always been.

But really it's because I interpret that as implied judgement. Nothing will happen to her pregnancy...she knows better, I didn't.

Let me be clear. I can use my friend A in this instance but it really relates to most people. A is an OB-GYN...she knows all the bad things. In fact, I can put almost anyone's name in there and still I feel the same way. That although they use all the right words and deep down believe that I didn't cause Connor's death, they still don't believe it will happen to them.

I asked another friend how far along was she when she told her 3 year old, she too said right away. She knew what happened to me. She knew what happened to her other bridesmaid (cord accident at full term), she knew about my friend who just had a miscarriage...yet she told her daughter right away. I couldn't bring myself to ask the follow-up question of "did you think about what you would tell her if you had a miscarriage"?

I wish I could say it was just jealously. I am jealous of their innocence. And yes that is a part of it but it's more. I feel intense judgement. That it happened to me but it wouldn't happen to them. I feel like they think I could have prevented it. Do I really believe they feel that way towards me...no...but I do believe they feel that way towards themselves.

Then there is the aspect that I worry about the result of the aftermath. What if A went to the conference after falling down the stairs, went into premature labor on the flight and the baby died? What would she live with then? Why would she take that risk? Why would she not be freaking out?

Then when all these questions stop going through my head, I'm left with...she isn't worried about her baby. Hence, implied judgement that I had to be worried that I had a reason.

I know that's not what is intended. I know that it some ways it's completely illogical. But I also know it's my interpretation and I have to face it...I still look for that judgement...I still expect it.

Sign away your first born...

2008-03-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

the joke: "I feel like I'm signing away my first born. "

I know I used this "joke" often. I can even remember one clear time when we were signing all of the various papers to close on our house the year before Connor was conceived.

But was it a joke or was it a statement?

I know that I cringe when I hear anyone make any kind of reference to this "joke". So on some level, I guess I do wonder if I signed him away. Typing that I know how stupid it sounds but it is there for me.

As I meet other people who have suffered a loss, I can easily believe that they didn't deserve their loss. Yet for myself, I can't stop from wondering if some deal I tried to make with God, resulted in Connor's death. I guess that would have to assume that I believe in God...and I'm not sure if I do but I'll save that for another post.

The worst part is no one can say for sure if this thought is ridiculous or not. The only fact is that this is about beliefs and faith and maybe the whole concept that everything happens for a reason. I'm not very good in those areas.

So just in case...Connor, if I did do something that caused this path for us both, I'm sorry.

Remembering Connor

2008-03-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today is four years...four years since I had to say goodbye. No matter how much better I think I'm doing, I always feel completely empty today.

We went this morning to the hospital where you were born. We took a little blanket and preemie outfit to donate in your memory. I hate that another family will need it but I hate worse that I needed one of those donations. This year, I was actually able to say "Our son, Connor was born silently here four years ago" before I started crying. This is progress as last year I only got to your name. I know this is suppose to be a festive day and I hate that I set the tone first thing in the morning for the nurses with having to hand me tissues but this is my reality. Today sucks. I don't feel like celebrating or laughing. I want to cry. I want to curl up and sleep the day away. I want to hold you tight.

This year, Sean looked at me and started crying because I was. He gave me this huge hug and I just breathed him in for a minute. From the outside world, we look perfect. From the inside, my heart is forever broken.

My sister sent us a white rose for your first anniversary and then the second she sent two. Last year she sent three. Unfortunately, this year she sent only one. I still completely appreciate the gesture and thought, but I made my husband go out and buy three more white roses to mark his anniversary. I felt like an idiot but I knew I wasn't going to be better unless we just did it as it was a tradition that I really liked.

We also went to the Detroit parade yesterday. It's so hard as a.) Detroit is a complete dump b.) St. Patrick's Day is a day for drinking and hence not the best group of people to expose your children to c.) the actual parade consists mostly of high school Detroit bands. I just find I want the world to cry during these two days not be all happy and carefree. However, this is the tradition that Pete wanted to do each year, so we went. Keira loved the action and Sean was terrific.

It's 4 p.m. and I'm still waiting for a number of people to call. I'm so afraid of people forgetting that I dread going into the evening. What if they forget...if it's only been four years and they already forgot who else will in another 4. I wish it was enough for me to just say I remember but it's not. I want the world to stop for him. I want the world to remember my son. I want the world to honor my son.

I don't know what you would be doing right now. I don't know if you would be writing your own little birthday note. I don't know if you would have had a preference of a birthday theme party. I don't know what toy I would have picked out for you. I hate that I don't know and I hate that I'm not creative enough to guess.

I do know that your grandfather is with you telling secrets and making sure you enjoy yourself today. But I would really appreciate it if the two of you would just send me a little sign that helps give me a little peace (the kind where I would feel nuts if I told anyone). Please...I desperately need something...anything to help with this emptiness.

I love you.

Time before anniversary

2008-03-10T04:43:00.000-07:00

I hate the time leading up to an annivesary. I have always felt ten times worse before and by the actual anniversary, I'm usually so spent that I'm just glad the day has arrived and I'm beyond it.

So I started thinking back to my general feelings I had as I approached:

1st anniversary: The angst set in the minute we were into March. I was very much in the "I still don't believe this really happened" shock. I was completely physcially and mentally exhausted. Essentially, I had zero drive to get out of bed. There were non-stop tears all day and night long. Although, I guess it's fair to mention that I was also dealing with post partum emotions from Sean's pregnancy and safe arrival.

2nd anniversary: The angst set in during the first week of March. I remember getting upset that NCAA basketball season was coming to an end as it meant, we were getting closer to Connor's annivesary. I had fear of people forgetting (which did happen). I was anxious and highly emotional. There were non-stop tears all day long. I did not feel any better after his anniversary passed because so many people forgot...I spent the next few days yelling at people.

3rd anniversary: The angst set in about the same time during the first week of march. I had extreme fear of people forgetting again (which did not happen after the not so friendly yelling from the previous year). There were non-stop tears all night long. I was exhausted but I was also dealing with post partum emotions from Keira's pregnancy.

4th anniversary: The angst set in about 10 days before his anniversary. There is just a general funk that I'm walking around in. No tears have fallen but I have the weight of being on the verge of tears at every moment. I'm in a general "I don't care and I'm not motivated" mood. I keep finding myself trying to associate it to work because it scares me how quickly I can go back to this place. How easy I can go right back to zombie land.

Seven more days...please don't let people forget this year so that his annivesary is a good day.

Anniversary Donation

2008-03-07T05:52:00.000-08:00

This is where I will be donating for Connor's anniversary this year. Although I have pictures...I wish I had professional pictures that I could display.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

I guess I made it to 10 days prior before the angst is starting to really set it. I just feel sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears at all times.

Happy Birthday Sean!

2008-02-25T04:27:00.000-08:00

Today you are three!

You were so cute at your birthday party this weekend. I'm not a very good mama in that I didn't do this whole party theme but I did order a blues clues cake, which you just loved. I guess I have to do this next year.

I watched you play with the other little kids and you are just a really great kid. You share. You take turns. You seek out to include all the kids in the game. You use your polite words. You are just wonderful and I am so very proud to be your mother.

I'm exited to see what you will do this year. To watch you start writing letters and shapes, I know you will love pre-school. I look forward to you continuing to make me smile!

I love you.

Living Children Update

2008-02-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

Since we're moving into the time of year when my mind really starts to dive into all things related to Connor (ok, more than the rest of the year), I figured some updates of Sean and Keira would be nice...and a happier blog post.

Sean
In just a couple of weeks, he'll be three! I think my favorite moments with him are when he wakes up on the weekend and crawls into my bed and says "Morning mommy. I want to cuddle". So a quick highlight of activities this almost 3 year old is doing:
- Completely potty trained (actually wasn't that hard with him)
- Started writing his letters (O, L, N)
- Sings along to the Grateful Dead (don't ask)
- His shyness has reduced dramatically
- He only loves books before bedtime (unless there the ones you can write on)
- He now eats his vegatables without me asking (then says "you happy?")
- He gives eskimo kisses now

Keira
Just turned one. I think my favorite moments with her are when we put on the Grateful Dead (see above) and she wiggles her butt.
- Walking at 10 months produces running at 13 months
- Points to the sink to put her sippy cup away
- Says "go" over and over while reading Go Dog Go (final book before bedtime)
- Absolutely hates having her teeth brushed and strangers touching her
- The only thing she won't eat so far is cottage cheese (so different than Sean)
- There are no bedtime issues...we lay her down and she goes to sleep
- She seems to know that she can taunt her brother while he is in timeout

Typical post loss behavior???

2008-02-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

So here are some of the crappy things I did post-loss that immediately come to mind (there are many more and some that I may even be blocking from my memory)...

- My first laugh was in result of watching a car accident occur right in front of us. A guy (in a brand new sports car) was side-swiped by some junker car. I just started laughing at this guy.

- My maid of honor told me she was pregnant (the day I found out I could try again) and instead of mustering any kind of happiness for her, I dropped to my knees in a drugstore and sobbed. To which I later received an email as to how my lack of response hurt her.

- My inability to ask this same maid of honor if she knew the gender for down right fear that she would tell me she was having a boy. I didn't want ANYONE to have a boy before we did. Hell, I didn't want anyone to have a baby before we finally got to take one home (but that's a whole other post). Upon finally getting the courage to ask, the response I got was "yeah, I've know for weeks" to highlight that I had not asked yet. After our blowout fight/communication, we healed and it definitely helped that her baby was a little girl.

- My friend's father passed away about 3 months after Connor. Although I did sit and cry with her, I admitted that it was very difficult for me to feel much more. The reality was that my father-in-law passed away just before Connor and we never had time to just grieve for him. Then when Connor died, I was thankful he passed away as that meant he was with my son. My viewpoint is that every parent should pass away before their child. Yes, some definitely go too soon but the pain is not the same. She acknowledged she didn't agree with me but didn't hold it to me. Now after a miscarriage and a year of subsequent trying, she knows what I was saying...it just wasn't easy to hear then.

- A friend called me just to tell me he broke his nose because he knew I wanted to hear about sucky things that were happening to other people.

- I looked at pregnant women and thought "you are smoking crack and you still have that baby"...and yes, sometimes I even gave nasty looks.

- Upon getting pregnant with Sean, I went out of my way to ensure anyone that acted as if this was a normal pregnancy, I would remind them of Connor's death. Innocent sales people asking if this was my first..."no, my first son died".

- After beginning to feel bad for causing people to be uncomfortable by the previous point, I created a two question rule. If you asked me two questions in a row and you received no eye contact short responses but yet you continued for the third, it was fair game. For example...Is this your first? No. How many children do you have? 3 How old? Well, my first son died. My second son is 3 and my daughter is 1. Right after the loss, reactions were painful but now I'm curious as to who steps up and who doesn't.

- I didn't attend my mother's 50 birthday surprise party. I was 28 weeks with Sean and just couldn't bare to hear the comments or really to deal with most of my family that had been MIA.

- I didn't attend my best friend of 20 years' communion...which to even say she had a communion into the Catholic church is still weird to me.

- I did manage to attend my brother's college graduation but all I did during it was cry (I should have had a one month baby at that point). I didn't attend his dinner afterwards and just headed home.

- I told my friend, who was due five days after Connor's due date that I didn't want to hear anything related to her pregnancy unless something negative was occurring. I basically tried to pretend that she was not pregnant and didn't see her for the rest of her pregnancy. We talked basically every day but the biggest part of her life at that time was off-limits conversation.

I know there are so many other things I did/said, that were out of line...that were selfish...that a non-grieving person would think is just pathetic. Yet I did them and I know I had to.

Friendships

2008-01-28T04:12:00.000-08:00

I've spent a lot of my energy focusing on the pain and anger I feel towards those individuals that I thought were my friends and who just abandoned me. Yet something that I've always noticed is that I don't carry the guilt over my behaviors that many grieving mothers have. This could be because of many things...
- I have always lacked the "need to conform" feelings
- I have always been very confident in my feelings and owning them
- I am not as good of a person in that I just don't care and did what I had to do

Yet, I'm starting to wonder if my lack of guilt is because the friendships that remained were very strong and supportive. They didn't make me feel bad despite whatever ugly behavior showed itself. Do I wish that I had done some things differently...sure. But at the end of the day, this wasn't about making them feel good. This was about me just surviving another minute.

I think that's even why I posed a "question of the day" when I was writing just after my loss. I was seeking those honest truths...the ones I knew that if they were said out loud in mixed company, people would think I had gone mad. But isn't that exactly what happens to you after a loss. You go mad...with what if's...with guilt...with sadness that is so deep you can't seem to breathe.

See I don't think when people get judgemental over a grieving mother's behavior, it is because of the actual behavior. I think it's because they are upset of what has been taken away from them. The more you talk...the less naive they can pretend to be. The more you balk the traditional aspects/behaviors of pregnancy, the less they can be the center of attention. The more you feel the injustice of the world, the less they can assume everything will work out for them.

I couldn't count the number of times that someone responded to my writing with thanks for saying what they were afraid to admit. And as much as I love my friends, those moments of not feeling alone and insane were worth so much more to me.

As awful as this may be to admit, I know the reason that I still have so much pain from those "friends" that walked away is not from the loss of their friendship. It really is because they CHOSE to walk away at that point in my life. Sure maybe the initial abandonment was done unintentionally but it was still there. They were more worried about their own comfort level then mine. Yet, at some point when you realize that you haven't spoken to someone for months, years...you are choosing to not talk to them again over dealing with the confrontation of what a sh*tty friend they were. So do I miss any of them...not really. Most of them that walked away were party buddies and my life is anything but a party these days. Unfortunately, the anger that they added to my grief at a time when I couldn't handle anything just disgusts me. The fact is I think I still hold on to this anger because I can direct it at someone...someone living. I can hold this person accountable for their actions. As for the anger related to Connor's death...I don't have anything tangible to yell at...well, beside myself.

Not enough hours in the day...

2008-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

On the positive side, I am working out 4 times a week for an hour each time.

On the negative side, I've given up sleep/work time in order to do it.

On the positive side, I'm starting to see my body improve.

On the negative side, I don't seem to have any time and my stress has increased because I'm not getting everything done.

I know I have to continue the workouts. I know that if I want to improve my self image, I have to continue. I know that if I want to improve my health, I have to continue. I just wish my body didn't need 7-8 hours of sleep each day. I become very moody with less.

Let's see what on the parenting after loss side...

The following now takes place:
Me: What's your sister's name?
Sean: Keira
Me: What's your brother's name?
Sean: Connor

I wonder how long before he starts to understand what the word "brother" means and asks "Where is Connor"?

Holiday cards

2008-01-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Keira

2007-12-16T06:46:00.000-08:00

Keira is one year old today. We had a little party all planned for her and I sit here now crying because I cancelled it due to snow. People were coming from all over the State and they just couldn't travel.

There were still a few people over and she did get to eat her first cupcake but it wasn't the same. I know I shouldn't be this upset but I am. I feel like she got robbed. I feel like this is going to happen to her often with this birthday.

I can't seem to put my thoughts together as to why I'm so upset. I'm sure it has to deal with the idea of a BIRTHday verus an anniversary of death. I'm sure it has to deal with making sure my subsequent children get the attention they deserve. I'm sure it has to do with her just turning one. I'm sure that it has to do with the few times I can feel somewhat like a normal mom, it seems to go to crap.

Happy Birthday Keira and it looks like Mommy will be making it up to you for years to come...I hope.

Uncle Mike

2007-12-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

My Uncle Mike passed away as a result of a car accident. He was only 58. He had two children and 3 grandsons. He wasn't really my uncle but when your a child and a man brings you a real Christmas tree every year, well he is basically on the level with Santa.

I had not seen him in 10 years. Yet I can still close my eyes and see him. See this jolly full of life man walk into a room and just have such a presence about him. He was a big man yet he never scared me, instead he gave these incrediable bear hugs and laugh.

This was only the second memorial I've gone to since Connor died. The first one was for a friend's mom. I think of her as the first woman that has now held both of my sons. I find that I cry hysterically at these services now. I was always tearful but the emotions are so deep. Not to mention the guilt, because if I'm honest some of me is thankful. Thankful that this man, Uncle Mike is now with Connor. Giving him bear hugs and making his Christmas special.

Last night as the kids were eating, I thought more about Uncle Mike and Connor and where they are. I still don't know how I feel but I definitely believe that people find each other...it's the only thing that does give me comfort. And before I could think more, I hear the words...

Mommy, there's a pea up my nose!
And as I have him blow his nose and a pea comes shooting out, I start laughing. Somehow I feel like Uncle Mike is there laughing with me.

Thank you Uncle Mike. I love you and I'll see you sometime in the future.

Thought better kept to myself

2007-11-13T03:49:00.000-08:00

It's really sad but this is where my mind goes...

My friend, A (the one who just told me she is pregnant) told me yesterday that she has already told her almost 3 year old that she is expecting. She is telling me how cute her little girl is being with the news and meanwhile my brain is wondering "You're only 7.5 weeks...what are you going to tell her if the baby dies?"

I hate that my mind goes there and if I'm honest I hate that hers doesn't.

My career

2007-11-06T11:50:00.001-08:00

I realized that I haven't posted yet about my career. Which does seem a little strange considering how big of a part of me it is.

I graduated college with a B.S. in Computer Science and Engineering. I have often been told that I'm a victim of my own success as I quickly moved into management roles and did not code for long. The best way to describe my career now is Information Technology Project Manager.

I'm a type A individual. My job has always been where I feel in control, helpful, appreciated and respected. I am proud of the work that I do and how it makes me feel. So aside from the fact that I have zero domestic skills, I've always knew that I would be a working mom. My general opinion was a happy mom is a better mom.

So when Connor died, obviously my interest and work ethics were pathetic. I didn't care about my job, I just cared about having a baby to take home. It wasn't until I switched companies shortly after Sean's arrival that I started to feel the passion again for my career. I am not going to lie...it was wonderful. I wondered if I would have changed my mind and wanted to stay home but I didn't. I didn't just want to work...I needed to work. I needed to have a place for myself. I needed to feel the success of accomplishments and failures that I could learn from and actually do something about. For the most part...at work...I have control! I didn't have the "mommy guilt" about returning to work. For me, I still see Sean every day and that's more than I can say for Connor.

Sure, I'm tired sometimes and work can still frusterate me but it's a different set of challenges. Not ones that are life and death but ones that you just learn from and move on. Suddenly any real pressure or stress is removed. At work, I'm not "that person", I'm the manager and I help make things a success. I'm the team player that people count on. I'm the one the client depends on and trusts. Considering how much I have struggled with these values on a personal front, I get to enjoy them still professionally.

I am a proud working mom.

Nov already

2007-11-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

It's Nov and my little girl turns one next month. This year has really flown by and I'm not sure I realized just how fast.

My friend, A is still pregnant. Her due date is in June. When I asked what it was, she said she wasn't sure. Who doesn't know their due date...my guess, her due date is either on or right near Connor's due date of June 17th. I know it sounds stupid, especially since I go with his anniversary in March as the big date but jealously does rise in me with the "June babies". Then again it rises in me for the "March babies" and the, well you get the gist. I'm going to make a point to call her once a week. I hope I can do this.

We saw my husband's best friend (his best man and the godfather to Sean) this past weekend. We talked more about Connor then we ever have. We told me that I looked better then I had in years (emotionally). It's nice to know that others do see that I've made progress...even if I don't feel like it most of the time.

Our 5 year anniversary is the 24th of this month. I know that this is an accomplishment and I know that it's an even bigger one considering what we've been through the past almost 4 years. Unfortunately, celebrating much over these past years has not happened and I think I may actually be a little sad if this day goes without some effort on his part. He kinda bombed on my 30th so we'll see.

I'm so preoccupied with work that I can't even get my thoughts here straight...but that's a whole other post that I don't have time for.

Pregnancy Announcements

2007-10-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

No...not mine!

General gist of the start of my phone conversation last night...

Me: What's up?

A: Sorry I haven't called. There's just been a lot of personal things going on.

Me: (Ok, is she sticking it to me that I'm not as good of a friend anymore or does she just want me to magically know what's happening in a different state or does she want me to beg for it) Anything you want to share?

A: I'm pregnant but it's not going well.

Me: How far along are you?

A: About 5 weeks but I have fluid in my abdomen...

Me: (Trying to process the medical information that she is saying...she's an OB-GYN) When will you get more definite information?

A: We'll do another scan on Thursday

Me: Ok...then for today you are pregnant and that's a good day.

-------------------------
Yes the emotions were as blah as the conversation reads. I am just not able to be the "YOU'RE PREGNANT. THAT'S SO GREAT" gal. I'm also not the "Everything will be fine" gal. I am excited that she is pregnant, it's a milestone that some people don't get to (I even have two very close friends that are struggling with that right now) but pregnancy in general is still very hard for me. I know what society expects and I'm not able to do it.

She got pregnant a month after Connor died. The day I found out she was pregnant was the day they told me I could try again. Needless to say, my reaction of falling to the ground sobbing in CVS drug store was not the response she was hoping for. Nor was my participation in that entire pregnancy...it was just too hard. I think she understands some aspects but I also think other parts she's not truly forgiven/accepted. We have had a few really raw conversations and our friendship has gotten back on the right track, which prompted me to ask her to be Keira's godmother.

I really hope I don't disappoint her again. I really hope that given this timeline, I'm able to be the friend she wanted for her daughter's pregnancy. I sent her an email this morning thanking her for sharing with me and not waiting and acknowledging that I'm not the jump and down gal anymore (ok, I don't know if I was ever really that girl). If everything goes well, maybe I'll go there for her delivery...but would she even want me to?

Thinking more...

2007-10-12T03:06:00.000-07:00

I kept thinking about my last post. I immediately wanted to put the disclaimer on it saying "I'm not sure when I got here and I reserve the right to fall back into complete misery at any time I choose." as I'm fully aware of the roller coaster of this pain.

I tried to pinpoint when I started feeling this way. I don't think it was just this night but it definitely seems to stick out in my mind. My best friend, A and me went to play poker in Canada. It was our "just get away from everything" night. She is suffering from secondary infertility and has been trying for years. After 20 years of friendship, you could say we know each other almost too well. She is the person that calls me crying because she's having a bad Connor day. She is the person that taught me I wanted people to grieve with me not for me. So I guess it suits that she would teach me this lesson too.

So we're playing poker and the guy next to me starts with the chit chat talk. No biggie at first..."I see your married" "yep" "Happily?" "yep". Brief silence where I turn to look at Ang and we have the understanding...it's coming. Sure enough, "do you have children" "yep". At this point, I have not looked directly at him, have not changed my response. Yet he continues "how many" "3". As I know the next question to come, so does Ang. She starts laughing. She can't stop. I hear her mutter "shut up or you're going to be sorry" while she can't stop laughing. Now I'm laughing while he asks "How old are they?" While laughing I had to say my first son passed away and my second was 2 and youngest was an infant. We must have looked insane. We're laughing while we say my son passed away but we couldn't stop. His questions stopped but I didn't notice his reaction. I never looked at him. I don't know if I got the look of horror. I don't know if he gave that pity face. I didn't care, I was too busy cracking up. I actually was laughing because the tables were turning. Instead of me worrying about how this random person was going to put me in a downward spiral, I was laughing because it was inevitable that he was going to ask and I was going to have to make him feel uncomfortable. I'm sure it helped that I knew no one there. I'm sure it helped that she started laughing and that always throws me into non-stop laughter. She knew I was going to acknowledge Connor and she knew this was never going to end (she gets the "when are you going to have another child question). The fact was I enjoyed that night. I enjoyed that I silenced him. I enjoyed laughing despite my reality.

I keep trying to think what released some of my fears of people's judgements. I do think that my 2 successful PALs have helped tremendously. I do think that being done with pregnancy (I'm not having any more) has helped. But I think it's more. Whenever I heard "it won't happen twice" to me during a PAL, I became extremely defensive for all the women that did suffer multiple losses. I took it as some sort of insult/judgement to them. So as I help my friend through her early pregnancy loss, I find myself admitting to feelings and reactions so that she doesn't feel alone. Why should I hide them? Why should I be embarassed? Doesn't that imply we grieving mothers are guilty? Because we're not. Our hearts are forever broken but that's not our fault.

Ok, this probably sounds crazy. I also know that this piece of acceptance does not mean I have many more issues to deal with and jealous responses to work on. Something in me just wants to scream from the rooftops "I have a son that is dead...he died inside of me...I'm not hiding anymore!"

Truth that I'm going to admit

2007-10-10T03:39:00.001-07:00

A statement was made on another blog and my response to her posts made me realize I want to tell an evil truth.

Part of my response to her entry: Here's a thought, it is just learning to embrace you or the life that you didn't choose. I've recently came to a place where I almost take pride in that I've suffered a loss. Not in that I am glad it happened but that I know truths most people take a lifetime to figure out and some never do. I've noticed the less that I seem to fight not wanting to be seen as different the less I care about the what the difference says to that person.

So here it is...Some days, I enjoy shocking people. I enjoy watching someone squirm. I enjoy watching the horror that comes across their face.

Let me explain before I get saddled with hate responses. At first, I hated these moments. I felt like a freak. They would trigger such pain that I always wanted to run and hide. The enjoyment I feel now is because I can stand there without a tear and say "My first son passed away" and no matter what the response, I survive. I enjoy that I've stopped giving people that power. I enjoy that I've taken control of these situations and they are on my terms now.

I know it sounds strange and if you had asked me even a year ago if I would ever feel this way, I would have thought you were nuts. I do feel a sense of pride now. I feel honored to be knowledgeable about this world of pain and know that occassionally I may help another grieving mother. Sure there are things I'm still jealous about but at the end of the day, I know the truths that people want to hide from. I know reality.

Yes, it's different. Everything is different. However, with that difference came a new perspective. I'm proud that I know the goal of childbirth is not sticking to a birth plan but taking home a breathing baby. I'm proud that I know asking a pregnant woman if this is her first is completely inappropriate question. I'm proud that I know you become a mother the minute you are pregnant and that can never change. I'm proud that I know there is parenting of living and deceased children.

Maybe my hope is that the isolation, the silent grieving will stop if grieving mothers take charge. I may have only been able to get to this point recently but I can say it's had a ripple effect in my life. I don't mind being social again. I don't mind being around moms/babies. The reactions I get now are different. Oh, I still get those "looks" but not as often. I don't know if it's by chance but I'm starting to wonder if it was because I gave them that opportunitity (ok, gave is a bad word in that I really didn't have a choice then but I do now). I wonder if it just comes down to the more confidence you put forth, the less someone questions it.

I wonder if I'm been able to get to this point because I've had 2 successful PAL, that the guilt or fear that I caused Connor's death is reduced. Hmmm...

Blog topics

2007-10-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

I realized how badly I've been needed to write to get this out. All of my topics tend to focus more on the loss and the troubles I'm facing. I'm probably giving a view that I'm not enjoying anything about my life now, which is not accurate. I think I'm just focusing on topics that I've been itching to discuss.

So here's a lighter just mommy/woman/professional post. I'm starting to get really excited for the next 6-9 months. By 18 months, Sean became a complete blast and it was amazing to watch how he was understanding my requests. It also became the time when I could finally start paying more attention to myself.

Believe it or not, I've tried to do this earlier this time around. I'm running 1-2 miles each morning of the weekends. I do little exercises every evening during the week. However, I know this is not enough to lose that last 10 pounds that has been on me since dealing with Connor's loss. The problem I (and most women/mothers) have is where do I find time for more. I already go into work around 5:30. Yes, I said 5:30...two reasons (one I've always been an early person and two it's the only time I can get my own work done without interruptions or meetings), plus I don't mind as everyone else is asleep and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. My husband takes care of getting the kids ready in the morning and I leave work (most of the time) by 4 to pick them up. I'm then with my kids until bedtime (Keira at 7 and Sean by 8), which I then try to unwind for about an hour and then head to bed. Not much time for anything else.

I know what you're thinking, cut back the hours at work. If I'm honest, I really don't want to. I enjoy my job (most of the time). I feel a sense of accomplishment here. I've gained respect. I do a good job. My client appreciates me and I feel needed. This is something I do for me by me. I support my family (I make double my husband but this is mostly only due to our career choices). I often joke that if I did win a lottery (which would be impossible since I never play) that I would keep working...but really it's not a joke, it's the truth. I feed off the deadlines. I feed off the successes. I feed off the losses. I have control at the job.

However, I have been good and have stayed away from working on the weekends. That time is just for the kids. See that's utlimately why I'm looking forward to the next 9 months...the more Keira can play by herself the more that I can start to focus on me again. The more that I get happier with me again, the more I'll invest in my marriage and my children. A happy mommy and wife, makes a better mommy and wife. I just have to wait this period out a little longer.

Boy, when I type that it makes it sound like I'm not being grateful to have my living children and have them dependent on me. The truth is in the middle somewhere. I was never the SAHM type. In fact, it's a running joke that I don't have a single domestic skill. And I'm ok with that but it does mean that I don't have the "oh, I love the baby/infant period" of parenting. I love the toddler phase. I'm excited for the next phase. I just want to keep finding parts of the old me I did like (you know, the 10 pounds lighter parts, etc). I just need the time to do it.

Late talker

2007-09-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sean's vocabulary has exploded and he's now pretty much repeating everything we say. He says complete sentences that are longer than 3 words. However, had you asked me how Sean's talking was at his 2 year birthday, my answer would have been completely different. He said words but maybe a couple dozen. The only word combination he said was "mama's car". He's always been on the low end of the "normal" range for his verbal skills. For the most part, I didn't know what a child should be doing and by when. I had the attitude that I was just glad he was breathing. People didn't say anything to me about his lanaguage until after he turned two. Then the questions set in. Shouldn't he be talking more? Are you sure you shouldn't have him checked out for autism? At first I blew this off but the more people made comments the harder it was for me to ignore. Sean didn't show any of the other warning signs of autism but I kept wondering if I was ignoring something just because I was afraid to face it. So when I finally got to a point that ok, maybe I'll just have him checked, the talking increases and now doesn't stop. I don't hear the comments anymore.

Aside from the amazing feeling it is to have a conversation with your child, I wonder about my reaction or lack of reaction to the situation. Did I not act because I truly felt there was nothing wrong? Did I not act because I was afraid that he did have autism? Did I give into the mommy pressure of child comparisons and worry for nothing? By ignoring milestone developments, did I create the situation where my child was a late talker?

Here's the thing. Do I know that I could help his development along faster if I worked hard with him...yes. But I also know he will learn it eventually. I also know that he will learn it faster when he's ready.

I guess we'll see what happens with Keira.

I'm 30...

2007-09-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

This is what I wrote to my closest friends...

My twenties are over, I’m now 30.

I always expected that when I wrote that statement, I would be sad. However, I’m really not. I don’t know if I can really explain it well but I’ll try. It boils down to the fact that I don’t have any desire for my living children to stay little. I want to see them age. I want them to grow old. I want them to turn 30. That’s what my mother gets today…she gets to see her daughter turn 30. It may be a gift that you can’t control but seeing your child age is the best gift possible.

I sent an email below 2 years ago with my wants/needs for the year…it’s funny to read those wants and compare to the reality. One was "to have the courage to give Sean a sibling", I didn’t exactly need courage as Keira’s pregnancy was an “oops”.

So what’s my biggest lesson of my twenties…I can’t control everything. I definitely made every effort and did manage to make most things happen but when it comes down to it…usually the things that can knock you flat on your ass are the ones that you just can’t control. Of course the type A project manager and the mom in me still struggles with this emotionally but I can’t deny this fact especially when it’s so clear when I am trying to support other grieving mothers.

This leaves me to what are my wants/desires for the next five years:

That I learn how to gracefully and proudly be a mother to three
That I will have seen Sean and Keira enjoy their birthdays each year
That Sean and Keira will know more than “Connor’s Necklace” about Connor
That I won’t traumatize Sean and Keira by being sad mommy occasionally about Connor
That I will value how my marriage has survived and my husband is standing next to me for the long haul
That I will cherish the friendships that I’ve unintentionally tested to the limits and held strong
That I will continue to gain respect in my professional career
That I start thinking positively about the link I share with my birthday being Connor’s half anniversary
That I will finish my book related to Connor’s loss and the journey through a subsequent pregnancy
That I start having a comfortable saving/retirement/etc accounts
That I keep figuring out who I am now and start enjoying it

Thank you for growing with me…for the good, the bad and even the ugly. I don’t know what is in store for me in my thirties but I’m grateful to know I’ll be figuring that out with all of you in my life.

The tooth is gone

2007-09-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Sean now has a huge gap where his front tooth once resided. He did really well at the appt and for the most part seems to barely even notice anything happened or is missing (not even playing with the spot with his tongue). Unfortunately, this did not seem to bring any comfort and I have a feeling it will be a while before I look at him without seeing the reminder of my failure.

Tooth appt is tomorrow

2007-09-04T02:46:00.000-07:00

So the pulling of Sean's tooth happens tomorrow. The nice part about having to wait so long for an appt...I somewhat pretending this wasn't really happening. The bad part about having to wait so long for an appt...I get to feel the guilt all over again.

I'm reading the instruction sheet and one of the items says..."Do not allow your child to bite his/her lip, cheek or tongue if a local anesthetic is used. Remind your child..." LOL, yeah right. Sean is too little and I know he's going to further hurt himself, simply so that I can feel as much guilt as possible!

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I feel like I failed him. I know it's just a tooth and a tooth that would have fallen out eventually but the weight sitting on me right now is unbearable. I have so much to do at work today but I can't focus. I keep wishing I could just blink my eyes and make this all go away. Then I start having flashbacks from after Connor's death when I had that same desire.

Am I being dramatic? Yes. Am I glad it's just a tooth and not something more serious? Yes. The problem is with this issue...it's a result because I didn't listen to myself, my gut. I blindly followed a doctor and now my son is paying for it. I feel like I didn't learn any of my lessons and my son is paying for it. I feel I could have prevented this appt but failed to take the necessary steps. I'm responsible for making him go through this traumatic event tomorrow.

The worst part...I've pretty much played it off as not a super big deal to anyone in real life. Not because I don't think they would listen or try to be supportive but because if I admit it to them, the guilt feels even heavier. Somehow if they pretend it's not a big deal then I can keep up the facade too.

I hope I can come to terms with this quickly because he's not going to have a tooth for a very long time. What if every time I look at him, I feel this guilt? Oh that thought is too much for me to handle right now!

Milestones

2007-08-23T05:13:00.000-07:00

I can't believe Keira is already 8 months. Time really has flown by this year.

Keira started crawling and pulling up this weekend. I remember when Sean hit these milestones, time seemed to speed up. Before I knew it he was walking. Now granted Sean did these at 8 months also and was walking by 10 months. So we'll see if Keira stays on the same track.

She's way more vocal then Sean was but Sean had more expressions at this point. It's interesting to look at their month pictures for comparisons and similiarities.

I do have to acknowledge a difference between how I see Sean and Keira. But before I can, I have to give a little background story. Years ago, my best friend (A) and I wondered whether parents really knew if their babies were not that cute. And whether we would know if our babies were truly cute or not. So when I had Sean and I just thought he was incrediably adorable, I had to constantly ask A whether it was just me. The same happened for Keira. The general consensus is that we seem to have very cute kids. With that said, I realized there's a difference with how I interpret cute for Sean versus for Keira. With Sean, I wanted to smoother him in kisses. With Keira, it's this adorable sweetness. I want to cuddle her. I don't know if this is just a difference in the boy versus a girl or their personalities or what. It's just an aspect of motherhood that I didn't know about and then wonder what it would have been for Connor.

Here's more recent photos of Sean and Keira...

My sister's wedding

2007-08-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

I watched my little sister get married this weekend. Her husband is perfect for her and she looked wonderful. My sister is a very caring and thoughtful person. She put a single white rose on a table near where they got married and made the note in her program that this rose was for all the people that couldn't be there with them today. I found out that Connor was one of the primary people this was done for. Tears filled my eyes because I kept trying to keep the thought out of my mind but I couldn't...my family wasn't all there. I was missing one child to be in the pictures.

Majority of the weekend, I had a great time. Not much sleep but I enjoyed seeing everyone and hanging out. Unfortunately, there is always this nagging feeling in the back of my head. For instance, when I heard the comments throughout the weekend...you know, the ones that are innocent..."so when are you going to start having children", "you better give me tons of grandchildren", etc. I wish I could say that I was far enough away from my loss to respond to this with indifference but I'm not. I know why...I still feel judgement. I know that it's not really judgement on their part but it feels that way because I'm ashamed. You can tell me until your blue in the face that I did not cause Connor's death but at the end of the day...I'm the mommy. I'm the one and only one that could have kept him alive. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault but it doesn't stop me from believing that everyone else thinks it is so that I can punish myself a little more.

I know that I probably sound like this hasn't gotten any better but it has. I didn't cry at all. I didn't even feel like I was going to cry. It just kinda lingers under the surface. Ultimately, this is what I struggle with now...how to be happy and still a little sad all at the same time. How to not let it consume every occassion yet how to not let it be forgotten. I guess the best way to describe it now is more like phantom pain. I'm living life. I'm enjoying my kids that are alive. I'm just feeling this ache over a piece of me that is gone and it's enough to not ignore but I'm not drowning in it either anymore.

So what was my secret wedding wish for my sister...I hope that she has as many children as she wants and that they all stay with her. She's already had to face the death of a nephew...that's plenty.

But for today, she's in Vegas and given my addition to poker, I'm jealous.

Still feeling a little robbed...

2007-08-07T03:38:00.000-07:00

So my dear friend had her beautiful second daughter this past Friday. This time around was different then the first in relation to me. Let me try to explain...

For Connor's pregnancy, her due date for her first daughter was only five days after Connor's due date. We were suppose to get to have this cute story and take maternity leave together, etc. Only instead I said goodbye to my child and feared the day she would deliver hers. We had been open with each other and she waited a until the initial excitement slowed to call me to tell me the news. At first, I was relieved then the flood of sadness, jealously, envy...well, you name it came over me. I sobbed for the rest of the day. Ok, I sobbed for days. I went to their home and met this beautiful little girl but I kept looking at my friend and noticing that her arms were empty and my child was no where to be seen. I am thankful my friend acknowledged that my grief was not her or her daughter's doing but that I had to process all of it. She is a true friend.

So when she told me she was pregnant again, I was still pregnant with Keira. My thoughts were at the end of that pregnancy and I didn't really think about the differences. However, when I got the call the DAY that she went in for labor and was at the hospital that evening. It smacked me right it the face. We were robbed of this bonding. We were robbed of the experience of raising our first together and bringing a second into the world at the same time. I'm thankful our friendship survived but I'm feeling sad that I missed so much. I'm feeling sad that my family will never feel complete.

But I'm also feeling grateful that I could be there this time. That I held her second daughter and was able to just focus on her. She's absolutely beautiful and her mom is one amazing woman. I'm so thankful she had a happy ending.

Pay it forward...

2007-08-02T05:15:00.000-07:00

I really haven't shared with anyone in my real life that I've started this. Not even my husband or closest friends that have stuck it through with me. I know that I will eventually tell them. In some ways, I hope this will be an avenue for them to truly see into my mind when I can't always communicate directly. Yet, despite this hope, I'm holding off from telling them.

If I'm honest, I think it's because of two reasons. First, the one that really doesn't have much basis...what if they don't like what they read and I now lose them. I lost so many friends (I'll save that for another post) after Connor's death, I am terrified of losing the few that stayed with me. I know that my thoughts can be offending to them. I know that my thoughts can unintentionally hurt them. I know that we have a core difference. I guess I keep waiting for them to figure that out and say this is too much trouble and be done with me. I type this fear and yet there is a part of me that knows the fear is unfounded...knows that they won't abandon me. All I can really sum it up to general fear of loss that can now consume me, whether it be from death or ending relationships.

The other reason is I want to make sure this is worth it. I want to make sure that I'm gaining something by exposing these feelings. That it's helping me to process my loss and what that means to my life. That it's worth continuing. In most of the things that I've done since Connor's death, I've found that the majority of time when I can say yes to this question...is when what I've done has helped another grieving mother. For my pregnancy with Sean, I purchased two outfits. A preemie outfit for if he died and a regular outfit for if he lived. I took both to the hospital with me the day he was induced. Thankfully, I donated the preemie outfit to the hospital. So for my pregnancy with Keira, we did the same thing. This time I knew who was receiving the preemie outfit. It was a family, whose daughter had a terminal condition and would only live for a short period of time. A few weeks after I was home, I received a thank you card in the mail. This family had included their daughter's obituary and a lovely card of gratitude. In the card, she indicated that she would "pay it forward" and begin donating to the hospital little outfits for unexpecting parents that will need them. I know that the first outfit brought some other mother comfort just as much as the second one did but somehow knowing it...well, makes a difference. I know what you may be thinking...I just want someone patting me on the back but it's not that. Every response doesn't pat me on the back, instead it validates Connor's life and purpose. And yes, for that...I can't get enough.

So I guess I'm hoping this blog will eventually be a source for additional ways to "Pay it Forward".

What's the difference...

2007-07-30T03:08:00.000-07:00

I get asked this question often. What's the difference between parenting and parenting after loss? I'm surprised that I can never really answer this question clearly despite the overwhelming feelings I have related to this fact.

For starters, a grieving mom's world is different. I don't know how many times I've had to hear "if something were to ever happen to my child, I would just die" and my thought (not response but thought) is "welcome to my world, only you're not that lucky to die instead you have to live without your baby". The unimaginable is reality. Their worst fear is my life. A grieving mother doesn't have innocence. A grieving mother doesn't assume everything will work out and be ok. A grieving mother doesn't pretend that death is not an option. This is the viewpoint that everything is now placed into. "Oh, your baby doesn't do that yet..." response "at least he's breathing". "If you don't put your toddler into a good pre-school, it could seriously set him behind the curve..." response "he'll still be breathing".

Yet when we do allow ourselves to worry about what our child is doing, the worry is ten fold. I know what you're thinking "all moms worry, how can it be any more?". Well, I'll tell you. Do you think that if you do x, your child will DIE? Do you think that if you child doesn't do y, your child will DIE? No, you worry about whether your baby is a genius or that you are not doing the right games with him. Let me be clear, I understand that and do not judge you for that worrying. I just worry about different things. He has an ear infection (which Sean has only had one), only I didn't think just give him some antibotics and he'll be fine...I went to this being some strange diesase being misdiagnosed and he's going to DIE! This constant -waiting for the other shoe to drop- feeling is relentless. Some innocent people will respond with "you can't live your life that way" but to this I reply "There's no one who wishes more that I could have my innocence back, but I can't. This wasn't my ideal life either but it's my life and the only way I can live it".

Then there's the isolation. Yes, some is completely self-imposed. I see judgements from other mothers when really they are not judging. I see stupidity when it's really just innocence. The best way that I can sum this up is that I am still aware of the lack of education related to pregnancy loss. I have a hard enough time continuing to remind myself that I didn't cause Connor's death...yet, I can't stop but continue to highlight this fact to others. Maybe I do think in some way that other people still assume I must have done something wrong and maybe this is just in my head but I don't think so. Want to know why...because I was one of them! Any time I heard of loss, I wondered what monitoring wasn't done...what warning sign was missed. I wasn't even a mother. I wasn't even considering pregnancy and yet I went there. I went there because I had to believe it didn't happen. So majority of the time, I'm left feeling like I don't TRULY connect with mothers that have not suffered a loss. I have many friends that stood by me after Connor died and even one mother that I met afterwards...so it's not to say that you can't but it's definitely harder to "fit-in" when you're "that one". To be my friend nowadays takes a significant amount of effort and willingness to go into the world of the ugly.

The issues that only grieving mothers face...how to tell Sean and Keira about Connor? How to not always be "sad" mama to Sean and Keira at holidays? How to be happy and sad when a child hits a milestone? How to be happy and sad when you see your children interact? How to incorporate loss into their life without being traumatic? How to answer the simple questions like "how many children do you have" and how you want to teach your other children to answer the similar sibling question?

Then the part that may be the worse for a parent...the guilt. I can remember saying a thousand times, don't take that baby for granted. If I'm able to bring a baby home, I will never take that child for granted. In most of the ways, I believe that I have fulfilled this but talk about pressure. I don't know a mother, who doesn't hit a point of "just get me away for a few hours" from her baby. Completely normal...taking care of a baby is extremely hard work. Now factor in this promise and have that feeling...HOW DARE I NOT WANT TO BE WITH MY CHILD EVERY MINUTE! So I stay put, then get nasty then fight with my husband then sob...all so that I don't have to admit that I need my own time. Because admitting that somehow indicates that I am taking my baby for granted.

Yes, most moms struggle but I dare say not to the lengths a grieving mother suffers.

It worked!!!!

2007-07-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

It became quite obvious this was a game to him and was testing his limits. "Close door mama"...mama closes door, screaming begins. Repeat fifty times. I finally started not even making eye contact.

Last night...he went to bed with no fight at all. You could tell he was sleepy. It was catching up with him but I didn't believe it would be with no fight at all. I probably shouldn't be making any declaration right now as that will just mean that it will be horrible tonight but I slept last night and even went to bed by 8:30 myself!!!!

Please sleep...

2007-07-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

So I have to start off with fully admitting that in general, I've had this aspect of parenting extremely easy. Sean slept from about 7 to 7 starting about 6 months old (Keira is already doing the same). At 2.5, we moved him into a big boy bed. We only did this because Keira needed his crib. He climbed everything except for his crib. He would just lay down and go to sleep. I swear, we transitioned him to the bed with zero problems. We were putting him down more around 8 but no getting up or crying at all.

Then we went on vacation. We had to sleep with him. So this had put an idea into his head and now our lovely no hassle bedtimes have become a little more difficult. This has been going on for about a week. The first few days it was screaming matches but now it's just a "keep getting up and seeing if they put me back to bed". Now I realize that this is part of a toddler testing his limits. That in itself is not the problem. So what is the problem...

I take the parenting approach of "no backing down". I will reason. I will remind him of something that will not occur, if he continues (ok, threaten...so sue me). This is not the hard part. The hard part is feeling like I'm not taking every advantage of loving/kissing/hugging my child. I know this is completely unreasonable. I know that being a parent is also loving my child. Yet, the guilt doesn't stop. I remember so often saying "don't take your baby for granted" and despite knowing that parenting is not taking them for granted, it's not what comes to my mind. My child needs me and I'm not giving him what he wants. I know what he wants is bad but so what...I just want to make him happy. I want to give him everything I can't give Connor.

I stick to my guns and he ends up saying something cute and then goes to sleep but I'm left feeling like I just want to cuddle him. I just want him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing so he doesn't blame me. I guess that's really the gist. I get nervous that if I do something wrong with Sean, he'll be able to tell me one day. Which then goes to my hidden underlying fear, it will mean that I did something wrong with Connor, but he just can't tell me. That I didn't parent Connor correctly and I can't mess up the chance with Sean and Keira!

Talk about pressure...which leaves me just pleading that Sean will go to sleep without incident so that these thoughts don't overwhelm me at the end of a long day.

Writing...Again

2007-07-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

Right after Connor died (I mean days after), I got online. I searched "stillbirth", "stillborn", "pregnancy loss", "infant death"...anything just to know that I was not alone. To find anyone that could give me a sense of hope. I stumbled onto a message board. Keep in mind, although very active on computers, I had NEVER posted in a chat room or on a message board to this point. Not to mention the state of shock that I was in, I wasn't completely paying attention but I found this thread that was talking about their stillborn son. I wanted to know more. I wanted to hear that stories of successes after loss. So I posted and posted and posted. Before I knew it was I writing an online diary, exposing every raw emotion and asking every question that came to mind.

I don't remember when I realized that the site was www.mothering.com and it was a natural mothering site. I had no idea what that meant. This was my first child. As I explored the other boards, I quickly figured it out. Yet the pregnancy after loss board was fairly different. There were no judgmental statements, just acceptance. I "confessed" to being more mainstream but no one seemed to care. So I continued posting and some of the moms on their were definitely part of the reason that my sanity didn't completely disappear.

I really didn't think about what I was gaining from writing at the time. I just had this intense need to hear from other grieving moms that what I was feeling was normal. After stopping (shortly after I had Sean) and especially recently, it's become very clear what I gained from publicly writing. First, my husband and friends were able to see the true side of what I was feeling. Somehow it was always easier to type then to say. Plus, to hear others agree with me reduced some of their fears regarding whether I was doing as well as could be expected. Now I forget that they don't have this glimpse into my mind and I get upset because they are not responding to what I need. Second, I've always been a pretty raw and honest individual, who was comfortable with how I felt regarding something. Only this time, I felt more lost then I could even comprehend. I questioned everything. I questioned questions. Hearing that others felt that way but maybe couldn't articulate it, reinforced my need to share. Every thank you I received for sharing, somehow gave Connor's life more meaning. I still get occasion private messages based off those threads and the feeling I get from that...well, is what contributed to starting this blog.

I've tried support groups but majority of the people there are new to their loss (18 months or less), which is as expected. The issues that I face now are different than that first year. They're different after I was able to successfully have another baby. I'll still go to the memorial sessions but that's about it. I'm not going to discuss parenting after loss issues when the mama next to me just buried her baby.

I hate how few resources are out there for infant loss but I hate even more how few resources are out there for life after loss.

Bye-Bye Tooth

2007-07-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

That's what Sean looked at me and said after we left the dentist...Bye Bye Tooth. There are definitely moments when I disliked that he has started talking. When he first told me something hurts (yes, I knew something hurt before but now he tells me he is in pain). When he shouted for his daddy instead of wanting me (yes, I know he's a daddy's boy but I don't want to hear it). But this is by far the worst, when he can remind me that something bad is happening because I didn't prevent it.

The dentist started asking a series of questions...Pacifier use, no...Thumb sucking...no, Bottles in bed...no, Continuous bottles...no, Bottles beyond a year...no, candy...no, cake/cookies...no. What she didn't ask me...did I question the ped when he told me not to worry, so I brought that up myself. I know it was stupid but I had this intense need to further explain how it got to this point...that I wasn't a bad mother.

Many people (friends, coworkers, dentists) have shared stories about lost teeth at an early age. They are doing this to help ease my fears of speech issues, behavior issues (sticking tongue through the gap, etc), and perm teeth alignment issues. The problem...even if it works out for the majority of people, that gives me no comfort. I just now am expecting to get those bad small chances to occur.

At this point, there is no other course of action. His tooth will be gone and we'll just have to deal if any of the issues arise over the next 4+ years as we wait for his perm tooth to come in.

Don't worry...everything will be fine

2007-06-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

The first time that I heard this statement and ended up on the wrong side of the statistics was with Connor pregnancy. I was low risk. My pregnancy was planned. My pregnancy care was routine. I had no existing health conditions to cause concern. So for the first time in my life, I truly bought into this line. I wasn't being pessimistic. I wasn't planning for bad scenarios. I happily buried my head in the sand.

So you can imagine the shock when I just couldn't shake the feeling on March 15th that something was wrong. So when the feeling was still there the morning of the 16th, I went to the OB office for a "little peace of mind" heartbeat rate check. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, little did I know that I would never have true peace of mind again. I went to the hospital for u/s check, which my husband and I heard the "I'm sorry" statement. We selected to be induced immediately and elected to have every test that could be run performed. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the issue or viewpoint), we were never able to figure out why Connor died. This put his loss in that 3% category which is unexplained with possible cord accident (meaning no true knot, etc but may have been kinked for a period of time).

I am able to say that logically I have come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my son's death. Emotionally, I still feel the guilt. After all, it was my body that did not keep him alive.

Now to the present...Since Sean's tooth came in at 6 months, I had been asking his doctor at every single well baby visit if the discolor on his tooth is a problem. I got the standard response "Don't worry...everything is fine". No children see a dentist until they are about 3. So I believed him, yet the feeling still nagged at me. So when Sean hit 2.5, I figured that was close enough and took him to a pediatric dentist. THE TOOTH IS DEAD WITH AN ABSCESS. This was definitely something to worry about. I called the ped office, their response "well most of the time it is fine". I never end up on that side of the statistic! I wouldn't have cared if the ped didn't know, but to not tell me the possibilities or even refer me and let me make that choice, well just sends me over the edge.

Unfortunately, this has brought up a ton of things for me and I can’t say that I’m handling it very well. I feel like I listened to dismissive advice again and now this son is paying for it. I may now be able to let go of certain things that most moms worry about but the failure issues…they are intensified. I barely can look Sean in the eye. And if his tooth is yanked, I’ll have years to look at a reminder that I blindly followed without pushing harder if things were truly ok.

I'm sorry Sean.

Introduction

2007-06-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's almost too overwhelming to start. Yet I keep reminding myself that I haven't been able to find any alternative solution to help deal with the emotions or situations that I now face in life after the death of my son.

The quick rundown of the basic stats...
This year I'll turn the big 3-0 in September.
I've been married for 5 years this November (together for 9).
I have 3 children.
Connor, born silently March 17th, 2004
Sean, born February , 2005
Keira, born December, 2006
I am a working mom with a B.S in Computer Science Engineering (now working as an IT Manager).

So why am I starting this after over 3 years past his death? Actually, it's quite simple. There's just not many resources available to grieving parents. Now eliminate the resources really targeted more for the parent, who just suffered their loss (i.e. <= 1 year mark) and there is almost nothing. I need a place to vent as to why things are different. I need a place to help sort out the emotions I deal with that stem from his death.

Many people asked me how I delivered a baby when I knew that the baby had already died. My answer is still the same today...Delivering was the easy part, I was in shock. Try living life when you know your baby has died. Try parenting other children after you know your baby has died.