Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Holiday Cards

I'm in great turmoil over the "holiday card" know, the ones where people sending you the postcard of their smiling children and wishing you a wonderful holiday season.

I HATED these for the first few years after Connor died. I swore right then that I would never send another holiday card (mine had been the traditional holiday card - no pictures up to that point). The first year...I got so many it was insane. But each year the number dwindles...that whole you didn't send me one so I don't have to send you one starts to happen. here's the confession. I only got a few this year and it made me sad. Upon replacing the pictures on my fridge with the new ones I did get, there were some that I've had up for a year and now won't have a replacement. I don't think I did anything to those people that just didn't send a card with their kids updated picture. Could I actually want that?

Then I find myself thinking, well I'll just send them next year and people will start back up. But here's the kicker...I can't. I can't put Sean and Keira's picture on a card and act as if that's all my children and isn't my life great. Crap, I still have a hard time signing friggin cards. Maybe there's a way for me to signify Connor on the card without being so bold about it...hmmm.

On another front, Sean asked me (completely out of no where) "where was Connor"? I was so taken aback I just spit out "In heaven". Done...end of conversation...he said ok and left. I don't know if I believe in heaven but it just seemed like the right thing to respond and maybe the fact that I said it so quickly a part of me does believe that. I'm now left wondering when and what the next question will be. I truly hope that my openness with him leads to the Connor's death in our family seems normal versus completely traumatizing the child.