Friday, August 8, 2008

Truly is a physical pain

So I went to an IT conference this week in Toronto. The conference was actually really good and I had quite a few interesting professional conversations. I went solo so I was able to live in a world that appeared wonderful...happily married, with children, enjoying my job...I chose never to mention Connor this week.

Then I drove home from the hour drive...a very long hour drive at night. Before I even made it to the expressway, I was bawling. Why? Because I was truly feeling a physical ache/pain to see Sean/Keira and I knew that I was going home and would be able to get rid of it. There was no getting rid of the pain I feel for Connor. It's constant. Sure, sometimes it's overshadowed by other events in my life but in those moments it builds. It builds until I have that break...that period where I scream and cry until there's nothing left again. That period where I beg for a sign that he's still with me, that he loves me, that he knows I love him.

I love that I now have children to go home to but I do hate that they draw attention to this physical pain that most people dismiss as just mental. So as I cuddled with my children this morning when they woke up, I cuddled just a little extra hard hoping Connor knew that was for him too.