Friday, April 4, 2008

Implied Judgement

So I called my friend A last night (she's the one that is due with her second child in June that I posted earlier). She proceeded to tell me that she fell down a flight of stairs and that she has some issue with her pelvic area now but that she proceeded to handle a 4 hour surgery (she's an OB-GYN) and then flew someone for a presentation.

So what was my first thoughts...ok, they were not:
a.) Is she ok?
b.) Is the baby girl ok?

Instead my first thoughts were:
a.) Is she trying to make me feel bad for not knowing this?
b.) Why is she putting her baby at risk?
c.) Is she just be dramatic

My first statement was not:
a.) Are you ok?
b.) Is the pregnancy ok?

My first statement was:
a.) Why don't you call me when these things happen? To which her response was that she didn't need to bother me with these things.

Recap of history:
- Friends since 1995 (college)
- In each other's wedding
- She was one of only 6 people that held Connor
- Struggled with our friendship during Sean's pregnancy (she was pregnant with her first)
- She is Keira's godmother

So why do I have negative responses to her comments (or to the fact that she told her daughter she was pregnant before even the second trimester). Yes, partially it's the history. Yes, partially it's the dramatic way that she has always been.

But really it's because I interpret that as implied judgement. Nothing will happen to her pregnancy...she knows better, I didn't.

Let me be clear. I can use my friend A in this instance but it really relates to most people. A is an OB-GYN...she knows all the bad things. In fact, I can put almost anyone's name in there and still I feel the same way. That although they use all the right words and deep down believe that I didn't cause Connor's death, they still don't believe it will happen to them.

I asked another friend how far along was she when she told her 3 year old, she too said right away. She knew what happened to me. She knew what happened to her other bridesmaid (cord accident at full term), she knew about my friend who just had a miscarriage...yet she told her daughter right away. I couldn't bring myself to ask the follow-up question of "did you think about what you would tell her if you had a miscarriage"?

I wish I could say it was just jealously. I am jealous of their innocence. And yes that is a part of it but it's more. I feel intense judgement. That it happened to me but it wouldn't happen to them. I feel like they think I could have prevented it. Do I really believe they feel that way towards me...no...but I do believe they feel that way towards themselves.

Then there is the aspect that I worry about the result of the aftermath. What if A went to the conference after falling down the stairs, went into premature labor on the flight and the baby died? What would she live with then? Why would she take that risk? Why would she not be freaking out?

Then when all these questions stop going through my head, I'm left with...she isn't worried about her baby. Hence, implied judgement that I had to be worried that I had a reason.

I know that's not what is intended. I know that it some ways it's completely illogical. But I also know it's my interpretation and I have to face it...I still look for that judgement...I still expect it.