the joke: "I feel like I'm signing away my first born. "
I know I used this "joke" often. I can even remember one clear time when we were signing all of the various papers to close on our house the year before Connor was conceived.
But was it a joke or was it a statement?
I know that I cringe when I hear anyone make any kind of reference to this "joke". So on some level, I guess I do wonder if I signed him away. Typing that I know how stupid it sounds but it is there for me.
As I meet other people who have suffered a loss, I can easily believe that they didn't deserve their loss. Yet for myself, I can't stop from wondering if some deal I tried to make with God, resulted in Connor's death. I guess that would have to assume that I believe in God...and I'm not sure if I do but I'll save that for another post.
The worst part is no one can say for sure if this thought is ridiculous or not. The only fact is that this is about beliefs and faith and maybe the whole concept that everything happens for a reason. I'm not very good in those areas.
So just in case...Connor, if I did do something that caused this path for us both, I'm sorry.