Monday, March 10, 2008

Time before anniversary

I hate the time leading up to an annivesary. I have always felt ten times worse before and by the actual anniversary, I'm usually so spent that I'm just glad the day has arrived and I'm beyond it.

So I started thinking back to my general feelings I had as I approached:

1st anniversary: The angst set in the minute we were into March. I was very much in the "I still don't believe this really happened" shock. I was completely physcially and mentally exhausted. Essentially, I had zero drive to get out of bed. There were non-stop tears all day and night long. Although, I guess it's fair to mention that I was also dealing with post partum emotions from Sean's pregnancy and safe arrival.

2nd anniversary: The angst set in during the first week of March. I remember getting upset that NCAA basketball season was coming to an end as it meant, we were getting closer to Connor's annivesary. I had fear of people forgetting (which did happen). I was anxious and highly emotional. There were non-stop tears all day long. I did not feel any better after his anniversary passed because so many people forgot...I spent the next few days yelling at people.

3rd anniversary: The angst set in about the same time during the first week of march. I had extreme fear of people forgetting again (which did not happen after the not so friendly yelling from the previous year). There were non-stop tears all night long. I was exhausted but I was also dealing with post partum emotions from Keira's pregnancy.

4th anniversary: The angst set in about 10 days before his anniversary. There is just a general funk that I'm walking around in. No tears have fallen but I have the weight of being on the verge of tears at every moment. I'm in a general "I don't care and I'm not motivated" mood. I keep finding myself trying to associate it to work because it scares me how quickly I can go back to this place. How easy I can go right back to zombie land.

Seven more days...please don't let people forget this year so that his annivesary is a good day.