Friday, February 8, 2008

Living Children Update

Since we're moving into the time of year when my mind really starts to dive into all things related to Connor (ok, more than the rest of the year), I figured some updates of Sean and Keira would be nice...and a happier blog post.

In just a couple of weeks, he'll be three! I think my favorite moments with him are when he wakes up on the weekend and crawls into my bed and says "Morning mommy. I want to cuddle". So a quick highlight of activities this almost 3 year old is doing:
- Completely potty trained (actually wasn't that hard with him)
- Started writing his letters (O, L, N)
- Sings along to the Grateful Dead (don't ask)
- His shyness has reduced dramatically
- He only loves books before bedtime (unless there the ones you can write on)
- He now eats his vegatables without me asking (then says "you happy?")
- He gives eskimo kisses now

Just turned one. I think my favorite moments with her are when we put on the Grateful Dead (see above) and she wiggles her butt.
- Walking at 10 months produces running at 13 months
- Points to the sink to put her sippy cup away
- Says "go" over and over while reading Go Dog Go (final book before bedtime)
- Absolutely hates having her teeth brushed and strangers touching her
- The only thing she won't eat so far is cottage cheese (so different than Sean)
- There are no bedtime issues...we lay her down and she goes to sleep
- She seems to know that she can taunt her brother while he is in timeout

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Typical post loss behavior???

So here are some of the crappy things I did post-loss that immediately come to mind (there are many more and some that I may even be blocking from my memory)...

- My first laugh was in result of watching a car accident occur right in front of us. A guy (in a brand new sports car) was side-swiped by some junker car. I just started laughing at this guy.

- My maid of honor told me she was pregnant (the day I found out I could try again) and instead of mustering any kind of happiness for her, I dropped to my knees in a drugstore and sobbed. To which I later received an email as to how my lack of response hurt her.

- My inability to ask this same maid of honor if she knew the gender for down right fear that she would tell me she was having a boy. I didn't want ANYONE to have a boy before we did. Hell, I didn't want anyone to have a baby before we finally got to take one home (but that's a whole other post). Upon finally getting the courage to ask, the response I got was "yeah, I've know for weeks" to highlight that I had not asked yet. After our blowout fight/communication, we healed and it definitely helped that her baby was a little girl.

- My friend's father passed away about 3 months after Connor. Although I did sit and cry with her, I admitted that it was very difficult for me to feel much more. The reality was that my father-in-law passed away just before Connor and we never had time to just grieve for him. Then when Connor died, I was thankful he passed away as that meant he was with my son. My viewpoint is that every parent should pass away before their child. Yes, some definitely go too soon but the pain is not the same. She acknowledged she didn't agree with me but didn't hold it to me. Now after a miscarriage and a year of subsequent trying, she knows what I was just wasn't easy to hear then.

- A friend called me just to tell me he broke his nose because he knew I wanted to hear about sucky things that were happening to other people.

- I looked at pregnant women and thought "you are smoking crack and you still have that baby"...and yes, sometimes I even gave nasty looks.

- Upon getting pregnant with Sean, I went out of my way to ensure anyone that acted as if this was a normal pregnancy, I would remind them of Connor's death. Innocent sales people asking if this was my first..."no, my first son died".

- After beginning to feel bad for causing people to be uncomfortable by the previous point, I created a two question rule. If you asked me two questions in a row and you received no eye contact short responses but yet you continued for the third, it was fair game. For example...Is this your first? No. How many children do you have? 3 How old? Well, my first son died. My second son is 3 and my daughter is 1. Right after the loss, reactions were painful but now I'm curious as to who steps up and who doesn't.

- I didn't attend my mother's 50 birthday surprise party. I was 28 weeks with Sean and just couldn't bare to hear the comments or really to deal with most of my family that had been MIA.

- I didn't attend my best friend of 20 years' communion...which to even say she had a communion into the Catholic church is still weird to me.

- I did manage to attend my brother's college graduation but all I did during it was cry (I should have had a one month baby at that point). I didn't attend his dinner afterwards and just headed home.

- I told my friend, who was due five days after Connor's due date that I didn't want to hear anything related to her pregnancy unless something negative was occurring. I basically tried to pretend that she was not pregnant and didn't see her for the rest of her pregnancy. We talked basically every day but the biggest part of her life at that time was off-limits conversation.

I know there are so many other things I did/said, that were out of line...that were selfish...that a non-grieving person would think is just pathetic. Yet I did them and I know I had to.