Monday, January 28, 2008

Friendships

I've spent a lot of my energy focusing on the pain and anger I feel towards those individuals that I thought were my friends and who just abandoned me. Yet something that I've always noticed is that I don't carry the guilt over my behaviors that many grieving mothers have. This could be because of many things...
- I have always lacked the "need to conform" feelings
- I have always been very confident in my feelings and owning them
- I am not as good of a person in that I just don't care and did what I had to do

Yet, I'm starting to wonder if my lack of guilt is because the friendships that remained were very strong and supportive. They didn't make me feel bad despite whatever ugly behavior showed itself. Do I wish that I had done some things differently...sure. But at the end of the day, this wasn't about making them feel good. This was about me just surviving another minute.

I think that's even why I posed a "question of the day" when I was writing just after my loss. I was seeking those honest truths...the ones I knew that if they were said out loud in mixed company, people would think I had gone mad. But isn't that exactly what happens to you after a loss. You go mad...with what if's...with guilt...with sadness that is so deep you can't seem to breathe.

See I don't think when people get judgemental over a grieving mother's behavior, it is because of the actual behavior. I think it's because they are upset of what has been taken away from them. The more you talk...the less naive they can pretend to be. The more you balk the traditional aspects/behaviors of pregnancy, the less they can be the center of attention. The more you feel the injustice of the world, the less they can assume everything will work out for them.

I couldn't count the number of times that someone responded to my writing with thanks for saying what they were afraid to admit. And as much as I love my friends, those moments of not feeling alone and insane were worth so much more to me.

As awful as this may be to admit, I know the reason that I still have so much pain from those "friends" that walked away is not from the loss of their friendship. It really is because they CHOSE to walk away at that point in my life. Sure maybe the initial abandonment was done unintentionally but it was still there. They were more worried about their own comfort level then mine. Yet, at some point when you realize that you haven't spoken to someone for months, years...you are choosing to not talk to them again over dealing with the confrontation of what a sh*tty friend they were. So do I miss any of them...not really. Most of them that walked away were party buddies and my life is anything but a party these days. Unfortunately, the anger that they added to my grief at a time when I couldn't handle anything just disgusts me. The fact is I think I still hold on to this anger because I can direct it at someone...someone living. I can hold this person accountable for their actions. As for the anger related to Connor's death...I don't have anything tangible to yell at...well, beside myself.