Friday, January 11, 2008

Not enough hours in the day...

On the positive side, I am working out 4 times a week for an hour each time.

On the negative side, I've given up sleep/work time in order to do it.

On the positive side, I'm starting to see my body improve.

On the negative side, I don't seem to have any time and my stress has increased because I'm not getting everything done.

I know I have to continue the workouts. I know that if I want to improve my self image, I have to continue. I know that if I want to improve my health, I have to continue. I just wish my body didn't need 7-8 hours of sleep each day. I become very moody with less.

Let's see what on the parenting after loss side...

The following now takes place:
Me: What's your sister's name?
Sean: Keira
Me: What's your brother's name?
Sean: Connor

I wonder how long before he starts to understand what the word "brother" means and asks "Where is Connor"?

Monday, January 7, 2008

Holiday cards

I'm in great turmoil over the "holiday card"...you know, the ones where people sending you the postcard of their smiling children and wishing you a wonderful holiday season.

I HATED these for the first few years after Connor died. I swore right then that I would never send another holiday card (mine had been the traditional holiday card - no pictures up to that point). The first year...I got so many it was insane. But each year the number dwindles...that whole you didn't send me one so I don't have to send you one starts to happen.

Ok...so here's the confession. I only got a few this year and it made me sad. Upon replacing the pictures on my fridge with the new ones I did get, there were some that I've had up for a year and now won't have a replacement. I don't think I did anything to those people that just didn't send a card with their kids updated picture. Could I actually want that?

Then I find myself thinking, well I'll just send them next year and people will start back up. But here's the kicker...I can't. I can't put Sean and Keira's picture on a card and act as if that's all my children and isn't my life great. Crap, I still have a hard time signing friggin cards. Maybe there's a way for me to signify Connor on the card without being so bold about it...hmmm.

On another front, Sean asked me (completely out of no where) "where was Connor"? I was so taken aback I just spit out "In heaven". Done...end of conversation...he said ok and left. I don't know if I believe in heaven but it just seemed like the right thing to respond and maybe the fact that I said it so quickly a part of me does believe that. I'm now left wondering when and what the next question will be. I truly hope that my openness with him leads to the Connor's death in our family seems normal versus completely traumatizing the child.