Tuesday, November 6, 2007

My career

I realized that I haven't posted yet about my career. Which does seem a little strange considering how big of a part of me it is.

I graduated college with a B.S. in Computer Science and Engineering. I have often been told that I'm a victim of my own success as I quickly moved into management roles and did not code for long. The best way to describe my career now is Information Technology Project Manager.

I'm a type A individual. My job has always been where I feel in control, helpful, appreciated and respected. I am proud of the work that I do and how it makes me feel. So aside from the fact that I have zero domestic skills, I've always knew that I would be a working mom. My general opinion was a happy mom is a better mom.

So when Connor died, obviously my interest and work ethics were pathetic. I didn't care about my job, I just cared about having a baby to take home. It wasn't until I switched companies shortly after Sean's arrival that I started to feel the passion again for my career. I am not going to lie...it was wonderful. I wondered if I would have changed my mind and wanted to stay home but I didn't. I didn't just want to work...I needed to work. I needed to have a place for myself. I needed to feel the success of accomplishments and failures that I could learn from and actually do something about. For the most part...at work...I have control! I didn't have the "mommy guilt" about returning to work. For me, I still see Sean every day and that's more than I can say for Connor.

Sure, I'm tired sometimes and work can still frusterate me but it's a different set of challenges. Not ones that are life and death but ones that you just learn from and move on. Suddenly any real pressure or stress is removed. At work, I'm not "that person", I'm the manager and I help make things a success. I'm the team player that people count on. I'm the one the client depends on and trusts. Considering how much I have struggled with these values on a personal front, I get to enjoy them still professionally.

I am a proud working mom.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Nov already

It's Nov and my little girl turns one next month. This year has really flown by and I'm not sure I realized just how fast.

My friend, A is still pregnant. Her due date is in June. When I asked what it was, she said she wasn't sure. Who doesn't know their due date...my guess, her due date is either on or right near Connor's due date of June 17th. I know it sounds stupid, especially since I go with his anniversary in March as the big date but jealously does rise in me with the "June babies". Then again it rises in me for the "March babies" and the, well you get the gist. I'm going to make a point to call her once a week. I hope I can do this.

We saw my husband's best friend (his best man and the godfather to Sean) this past weekend. We talked more about Connor then we ever have. We told me that I looked better then I had in years (emotionally). It's nice to know that others do see that I've made progress...even if I don't feel like it most of the time.

Our 5 year anniversary is the 24th of this month. I know that this is an accomplishment and I know that it's an even bigger one considering what we've been through the past almost 4 years. Unfortunately, celebrating much over these past years has not happened and I think I may actually be a little sad if this day goes without some effort on his part. He kinda bombed on my 30th so we'll see.

I'm so preoccupied with work that I can't even get my thoughts here straight...but that's a whole other post that I don't have time for.