General gist of the start of my phone conversation last night...
Me: What's up?
A: Sorry I haven't called. There's just been a lot of personal things going on.
Me: (Ok, is she sticking it to me that I'm not as good of a friend anymore or does she just want me to magically know what's happening in a different state or does she want me to beg for it) Anything you want to share?
A: I'm pregnant but it's not going well.
Me: How far along are you?
A: About 5 weeks but I have fluid in my abdomen...
Me: (Trying to process the medical information that she is saying...she's an OB-GYN) When will you get more definite information?
A: We'll do another scan on Thursday
Me: Ok...then for today you are pregnant and that's a good day.
Yes the emotions were as blah as the conversation reads. I am just not able to be the "YOU'RE PREGNANT. THAT'S SO GREAT" gal. I'm also not the "Everything will be fine" gal. I am excited that she is pregnant, it's a milestone that some people don't get to (I even have two very close friends that are struggling with that right now) but pregnancy in general is still very hard for me. I know what society expects and I'm not able to do it.
She got pregnant a month after Connor died. The day I found out she was pregnant was the day they told me I could try again. Needless to say, my reaction of falling to the ground sobbing in CVS drug store was not the response she was hoping for. Nor was my participation in that entire pregnancy...it was just too hard. I think she understands some aspects but I also think other parts she's not truly forgiven/accepted. We have had a few really raw conversations and our friendship has gotten back on the right track, which prompted me to ask her to be Keira's godmother.
I really hope I don't disappoint her again. I really hope that given this timeline, I'm able to be the friend she wanted for her daughter's pregnancy. I sent her an email this morning thanking her for sharing with me and not waiting and acknowledging that I'm not the jump and down gal anymore (ok, I don't know if I was ever really that girl). If everything goes well, maybe I'll go there for her delivery...but would she even want me to?