I realized how badly I've been needed to write to get this out. All of my topics tend to focus more on the loss and the troubles I'm facing. I'm probably giving a view that I'm not enjoying anything about my life now, which is not accurate. I think I'm just focusing on topics that I've been itching to discuss.
So here's a lighter just mommy/woman/professional post. I'm starting to get really excited for the next 6-9 months. By 18 months, Sean became a complete blast and it was amazing to watch how he was understanding my requests. It also became the time when I could finally start paying more attention to myself.
Believe it or not, I've tried to do this earlier this time around. I'm running 1-2 miles each morning of the weekends. I do little exercises every evening during the week. However, I know this is not enough to lose that last 10 pounds that has been on me since dealing with Connor's loss. The problem I (and most women/mothers) have is where do I find time for more. I already go into work around 5:30. Yes, I said 5:30...two reasons (one I've always been an early person and two it's the only time I can get my own work done without interruptions or meetings), plus I don't mind as everyone else is asleep and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. My husband takes care of getting the kids ready in the morning and I leave work (most of the time) by 4 to pick them up. I'm then with my kids until bedtime (Keira at 7 and Sean by 8), which I then try to unwind for about an hour and then head to bed. Not much time for anything else.
I know what you're thinking, cut back the hours at work. If I'm honest, I really don't want to. I enjoy my job (most of the time). I feel a sense of accomplishment here. I've gained respect. I do a good job. My client appreciates me and I feel needed. This is something I do for me by me. I support my family (I make double my husband but this is mostly only due to our career choices). I often joke that if I did win a lottery (which would be impossible since I never play) that I would keep working...but really it's not a joke, it's the truth. I feed off the deadlines. I feed off the successes. I feed off the losses. I have control at the job.
However, I have been good and have stayed away from working on the weekends. That time is just for the kids. See that's utlimately why I'm looking forward to the next 9 months...the more Keira can play by herself the more that I can start to focus on me again. The more that I get happier with me again, the more I'll invest in my marriage and my children. A happy mommy and wife, makes a better mommy and wife. I just have to wait this period out a little longer.
Boy, when I type that it makes it sound like I'm not being grateful to have my living children and have them dependent on me. The truth is in the middle somewhere. I was never the SAHM type. In fact, it's a running joke that I don't have a single domestic skill. And I'm ok with that but it does mean that I don't have the "oh, I love the baby/infant period" of parenting. I love the toddler phase. I'm excited for the next phase. I just want to keep finding parts of the old me I did like (you know, the 10 pounds lighter parts, etc). I just need the time to do it.