Monday, September 17, 2007

I'm 30...

This is what I wrote to my closest friends...

My twenties are over, I’m now 30.

I always expected that when I wrote that statement, I would be sad. However, I’m really not. I don’t know if I can really explain it well but I’ll try. It boils down to the fact that I don’t have any desire for my living children to stay little. I want to see them age. I want them to grow old. I want them to turn 30. That’s what my mother gets today…she gets to see her daughter turn 30. It may be a gift that you can’t control but seeing your child age is the best gift possible.

I sent an email below 2 years ago with my wants/needs for the year…it’s funny to read those wants and compare to the reality. One was "to have the courage to give Sean a sibling", I didn’t exactly need courage as Keira’s pregnancy was an “oops”.

So what’s my biggest lesson of my twenties…I can’t control everything. I definitely made every effort and did manage to make most things happen but when it comes down to it…usually the things that can knock you flat on your ass are the ones that you just can’t control. Of course the type A project manager and the mom in me still struggles with this emotionally but I can’t deny this fact especially when it’s so clear when I am trying to support other grieving mothers.

This leaves me to what are my wants/desires for the next five years:

That I learn how to gracefully and proudly be a mother to three
That I will have seen Sean and Keira enjoy their birthdays each year
That Sean and Keira will know more than “Connor’s Necklace” about Connor
That I won’t traumatize Sean and Keira by being sad mommy occasionally about Connor
That I will value how my marriage has survived and my husband is standing next to me for the long haul
That I will cherish the friendships that I’ve unintentionally tested to the limits and held strong
That I will continue to gain respect in my professional career
That I start thinking positively about the link I share with my birthday being Connor’s half anniversary
That I will finish my book related to Connor’s loss and the journey through a subsequent pregnancy
That I start having a comfortable saving/retirement/etc accounts
That I keep figuring out who I am now and start enjoying it

Thank you for growing with me…for the good, the bad and even the ugly. I don’t know what is in store for me in my thirties but I’m grateful to know I’ll be figuring that out with all of you in my life.