Thursday, September 6, 2007

The tooth is gone

Sean now has a huge gap where his front tooth once resided. He did really well at the appt and for the most part seems to barely even notice anything happened or is missing (not even playing with the spot with his tongue). Unfortunately, this did not seem to bring any comfort and I have a feeling it will be a while before I look at him without seeing the reminder of my failure.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Tooth appt is tomorrow

So the pulling of Sean's tooth happens tomorrow. The nice part about having to wait so long for an appt...I somewhat pretending this wasn't really happening. The bad part about having to wait so long for an appt...I get to feel the guilt all over again.

I'm reading the instruction sheet and one of the items says..."Do not allow your child to bite his/her lip, cheek or tongue if a local anesthetic is used. Remind your child..." LOL, yeah right. Sean is too little and I know he's going to further hurt himself, simply so that I can feel as much guilt as possible!

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I feel like I failed him. I know it's just a tooth and a tooth that would have fallen out eventually but the weight sitting on me right now is unbearable. I have so much to do at work today but I can't focus. I keep wishing I could just blink my eyes and make this all go away. Then I start having flashbacks from after Connor's death when I had that same desire.

Am I being dramatic? Yes. Am I glad it's just a tooth and not something more serious? Yes. The problem is with this issue...it's a result because I didn't listen to myself, my gut. I blindly followed a doctor and now my son is paying for it. I feel like I didn't learn any of my lessons and my son is paying for it. I feel I could have prevented this appt but failed to take the necessary steps. I'm responsible for making him go through this traumatic event tomorrow.

The worst part...I've pretty much played it off as not a super big deal to anyone in real life. Not because I don't think they would listen or try to be supportive but because if I admit it to them, the guilt feels even heavier. Somehow if they pretend it's not a big deal then I can keep up the facade too.

I hope I can come to terms with this quickly because he's not going to have a tooth for a very long time. What if every time I look at him, I feel this guilt? Oh that thought is too much for me to handle right now!