Thursday, August 23, 2007


I can't believe Keira is already 8 months. Time really has flown by this year.

Keira started crawling and pulling up this weekend. I remember when Sean hit these milestones, time seemed to speed up. Before I knew it he was walking. Now granted Sean did these at 8 months also and was walking by 10 months. So we'll see if Keira stays on the same track.

She's way more vocal then Sean was but Sean had more expressions at this point. It's interesting to look at their month pictures for comparisons and similiarities.

I do have to acknowledge a difference between how I see Sean and Keira. But before I can, I have to give a little background story. Years ago, my best friend (A) and I wondered whether parents really knew if their babies were not that cute. And whether we would know if our babies were truly cute or not. So when I had Sean and I just thought he was incrediably adorable, I had to constantly ask A whether it was just me. The same happened for Keira. The general consensus is that we seem to have very cute kids. With that said, I realized there's a difference with how I interpret cute for Sean versus for Keira. With Sean, I wanted to smoother him in kisses. With Keira, it's this adorable sweetness. I want to cuddle her. I don't know if this is just a difference in the boy versus a girl or their personalities or what. It's just an aspect of motherhood that I didn't know about and then wonder what it would have been for Connor.

Here's more recent photos of Sean and Keira...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My sister's wedding

I watched my little sister get married this weekend. Her husband is perfect for her and she looked wonderful. My sister is a very caring and thoughtful person. She put a single white rose on a table near where they got married and made the note in her program that this rose was for all the people that couldn't be there with them today. I found out that Connor was one of the primary people this was done for. Tears filled my eyes because I kept trying to keep the thought out of my mind but I couldn' family wasn't all there. I was missing one child to be in the pictures.

Majority of the weekend, I had a great time. Not much sleep but I enjoyed seeing everyone and hanging out. Unfortunately, there is always this nagging feeling in the back of my head. For instance, when I heard the comments throughout the know, the ones that are innocent..."so when are you going to start having children", "you better give me tons of grandchildren", etc. I wish I could say that I was far enough away from my loss to respond to this with indifference but I'm not. I know why...I still feel judgement. I know that it's not really judgement on their part but it feels that way because I'm ashamed. You can tell me until your blue in the face that I did not cause Connor's death but at the end of the day...I'm the mommy. I'm the one and only one that could have kept him alive. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault but it doesn't stop me from believing that everyone else thinks it is so that I can punish myself a little more.

I know that I probably sound like this hasn't gotten any better but it has. I didn't cry at all. I didn't even feel like I was going to cry. It just kinda lingers under the surface. Ultimately, this is what I struggle with to be happy and still a little sad all at the same time. How to not let it consume every occassion yet how to not let it be forgotten. I guess the best way to describe it now is more like phantom pain. I'm living life. I'm enjoying my kids that are alive. I'm just feeling this ache over a piece of me that is gone and it's enough to not ignore but I'm not drowning in it either anymore.

So what was my secret wedding wish for my sister...I hope that she has as many children as she wants and that they all stay with her. She's already had to face the death of a nephew...that's plenty.

But for today, she's in Vegas and given my addition to poker, I'm jealous.