Friday, June 29, 2007

Don't worry...everything will be fine

The first time that I heard this statement and ended up on the wrong side of the statistics was with Connor pregnancy. I was low risk. My pregnancy was planned. My pregnancy care was routine. I had no existing health conditions to cause concern. So for the first time in my life, I truly bought into this line. I wasn't being pessimistic. I wasn't planning for bad scenarios. I happily buried my head in the sand.

So you can imagine the shock when I just couldn't shake the feeling on March 15th that something was wrong. So when the feeling was still there the morning of the 16th, I went to the OB office for a "little peace of mind" heartbeat rate check. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, little did I know that I would never have true peace of mind again. I went to the hospital for u/s check, which my husband and I heard the "I'm sorry" statement. We selected to be induced immediately and elected to have every test that could be run performed. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the issue or viewpoint), we were never able to figure out why Connor died. This put his loss in that 3% category which is unexplained with possible cord accident (meaning no true knot, etc but may have been kinked for a period of time).

I am able to say that logically I have come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my son's death. Emotionally, I still feel the guilt. After all, it was my body that did not keep him alive.

Now to the present...Since Sean's tooth came in at 6 months, I had been asking his doctor at every single well baby visit if the discolor on his tooth is a problem. I got the standard response "Don't worry...everything is fine". No children see a dentist until they are about 3. So I believed him, yet the feeling still nagged at me. So when Sean hit 2.5, I figured that was close enough and took him to a pediatric dentist. THE TOOTH IS DEAD WITH AN ABSCESS. This was definitely something to worry about. I called the ped office, their response "well most of the time it is fine". I never end up on that side of the statistic! I wouldn't have cared if the ped didn't know, but to not tell me the possibilities or even refer me and let me make that choice, well just sends me over the edge.

Unfortunately, this has brought up a ton of things for me and I can’t say that I’m handling it very well. I feel like I listened to dismissive advice again and now this son is paying for it. I may now be able to let go of certain things that most moms worry about but the failure issues…they are intensified. I barely can look Sean in the eye. And if his tooth is yanked, I’ll have years to look at a reminder that I blindly followed without pushing harder if things were truly ok.

I'm sorry Sean.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


It's almost too overwhelming to start. Yet I keep reminding myself that I haven't been able to find any alternative solution to help deal with the emotions or situations that I now face in life after the death of my son.

The quick rundown of the basic stats...
This year I'll turn the big 3-0 in September.
I've been married for 5 years this November (together for 9).
I have 3 children.
Connor, born silently March 17th, 2004
Sean, born February , 2005
Keira, born December, 2006
I am a working mom with a B.S in Computer Science Engineering (now working as an IT Manager).

So why am I starting this after over 3 years past his death? Actually, it's quite simple. There's just not many resources available to grieving parents. Now eliminate the resources really targeted more for the parent, who just suffered their loss (i.e. <= 1 year mark) and there is almost nothing. I need a place to vent as to why things are different. I need a place to help sort out the emotions I deal with that stem from his death.

Many people asked me how I delivered a baby when I knew that the baby had already died. My answer is still the same today...Delivering was the easy part, I was in shock. Try living life when you know your baby has died. Try parenting other children after you know your baby has died.